Anti-Quirks
by YAXON
Summary: Quirks tend to define a character; to take even one away would drastically change how that character acts. Who would Sasuke be without his revenge-complex? Sakura without her fangirlism? Naruto without his fixation on ramen? Crackfic! Will likely be updated irregularly.
1. Sasuke

**Prompt One: Sasuke without the Vengeance-Complex**

In theory, when the Uchiha Clan was wiped out and Itachi went rogue after mind-fucking his little brother into hating him, Sasuke Uchiha was given an apartment much like Naruto had been a couple years prior. In _theory_ , there was no attempt made to assist the boy with his psychological issues; he was just given the pity treatment and life moved on. _In theory_ , this would lead the boy to develop an insatiable thirst for Vengeance and All-Around True Righteous Justice that would cause migraines for people not even remotely tied to the young Uchiha.

In theory.

But reality can be a fickle thing. It can be cruel, it can be unpredictable… And sometimes, it can have a really warped sense of humor. How else does one explain Hiruzen Sarutobi's last-minute decision to put young Sasuke Uchiha through Anger Management Classes immediately following the Massacre? My, how much of a difference that would have made for, well… everyone.

… In theory.

* * *

"I keep telling you, damn it… All I _want_ is Itachi's head mounted on a pike!" A no-longer-cute-and-adorable Sasuke Uchiha snarled from his chair. ... Firmly tied up and chair nailed to the floor. "And I _will_ see this through! _Me_!"

Sasuke's counselor – an unassuming, fat, old civilian with a goatee – shook his head slowly and scribbled down a few notes on his clipboard before shaking his pen at Sasuke.

"Now that's not very nice, Sasuke… When somebody hurts you, you shouldn't wish death and misery on them. You should wish them a long life and eternal happiness!" Here the counselor waved his arms about and grinned widely.

Sasuke stared at the man for several minutes. Just stared. Was… Was this man some retired shinobi, or was he just _born_ this way? Taking a deep, slow breath, Sasuke came to the conclusion that he probably didn't want to know…

"I will not rest until Itachi is a bloodied corpse." Sasuke stated flatly, leaving no room for argument whatsoever.

The counselor simply shook his head and tapped his chin in thought.

"Let's try a different tack… On your questionnaire, you explained that you were upset when your father never acknowledged you. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Because **Itachi** was the perfect son…" Sasuke spat venomously. " **I** was never good enough… **I** could never be **Itachi** …. For reminding me of this, I had **planned** to humiliate father… But **Itachi** took my revenge from me… and for that Itachi must suffer…"

The counselor blinked owlishly at the bitter response. Clearly this boy had family issues.

"What about your mother? You never mentioned her once in the questionnaire, despite there clearly being a question that asked you to describe her… you just left that one blank." The counselor muttered.

Sasuke tilted his head to the side to get at an irritating neck pain. Being tied to a chair was stifling…

"Mother had been supportive of me, if not particularly helpful because the Clan is patriarchal and she had to listen to father…" The counselor clicked his pen in anticipation here as he bounced in his seat a little. Finally, something _positive_! "… But then there were all those times that she wouldn't let me play with Itachi, saying he had _homework_ to do! It's because of her that Itachi became strong enough to slaughter the clan… If he hadn't been so diligent in his studies… So she deserved no mention. That is the best revenge on her."

Sasuke nodded decisively, and the counselor had stopped bouncing in his seat at this point. … Never mind, this boy had it _bad_.

* * *

"Now Sasuke, I'm going to show you some ink blots. The goal of this exercise is to use the power of your imagination and picture _happy_ things!" The counselor giggled. Clearing his throat to regain his composure, the counselor showed the tied-up boy the first ink blot. "Now, I want you to go to your happy place. So what do you see?"

"Me breaking Itachi's bones… bending his pinky backwards into a kinda vice while I apply electric shocks to Itachi's eyeballs." Sasuke drawled, a faint smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"… Uh huh. What about this one?"

"Me casting Tsukuyomi on Itachi, showing him that **I** was and always will be Father and Mother's **Favorite**." Sasuke answered decisively. He paused. "… Even if they didn't know it."

"And this one?" The counselor asked with a small amount of trepidation.

"A world that has forgotten the name 'Itachi Uchiha' after his painful death at my hands."

"… I'm starting to see a theme here, young man… And this one?"

"That idiot Naruto inciting my fangirls enough for them to brutally murder him and efficiently dispose of the body…" Sasuke mused aloud.

"Naruto? The De… er… I mean… that insufferable brat who's always playing pranks?"

Sasuke raised an eyebrow curiously.

"Hn. You know that loser?"

"Know him! He's the whole reason I had to go on those happy little white pills! Er…" The counselor coughed awkwardly and moved on. "And this one?"

"Itachi being forced to marry that annoying Sakura girl from the Academy."

"A classmate of yours? Why would that be a bad thing?"

"She's got pink hair, so his kids would have pink hair. _All_ of them. His humiliation would amuse me greatly."

The counselor sweatdropped and jotted a few more notes down.

"R-Right… And what about this one?"

"Me force-feeding you these ink blots. They annoy me. Even if they bring pleasant images to mind." Sasuke deadpanned. The counselor quickly threw aside the ink blots and held up his hands peaceably.

"Okay, okay! Let's just move on!"

* * *

"Now Sasuke, I'm going to have you do a simple little exercise. When I say something not very nice about you, I want you to count to ten instead of raging at me. Okay? Now, uh… Sasuke…" The counselor tapped his chin as his brow furrowed. "I, um… I don't think you're a very nice person!"

… If Sasuke could face-palm, he would.

"Duh. I haven't felt 'nice' since…"

The counselor shushed him.

"Only numbers!"

Sasuke sighed and grumbled about how he would be getting revenge for this… Getting vengeance on this oaf wouldn't be enough either; he might just have to take revenge on the Hokage for this. He set this up, after all.

"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…" Sasuke deadpanned the numbers in quick succession with an eye roll. The counselor clapped gleefully.

"Very good! Okay, um… Sasuke… I… I don't think you'll ever get your revenge on Itachi!"

Sasuke's nostrils flared and his eyes lit with an unholy fire.

"When I get out of here, fire and brimstone will rain down on your corpse and…"

"Only numbers!" The counselor screeched over Sasuke's venomous rant. Sasuke breathed in and out through his nose a few more times before (reluctantly) acquiescing.

"One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten…" Sasuke huffed, rattling off the numbers a little quicker this time. Through grinding teeth.

The counselor tapped his chin again.

"Sasuke, when you resurrect the Uchiha Clan, they'll be known for their pink hair instead of their Sharingan!"

And here the counselor had been sure he'd tied Sasuke to the chair snugly enough. A sudden tearing of the rope and a rabid preteen boy pouncing on him proved him wrong… So, so wrong…

* * *

It took just one week before the counselor was at the tearing-out-his-hair stage. Sasuke was a horrible, _violent_ child… A child so obsessed with revenge that "unhealthy" was a vast understatement. There was literally nothing the civilian counselor could do to steer young Sasuke off the path of vengeance; his brother had screwed him over that badly.

… Then again, seeing as he'd wanted to enact vengeance on his parents prior to their deaths, perhaps young Sasuke was always like this, and it took the massacre to really draw the crazy out of the boy.

Well, no matter. Civilian therapy rarely worked on shinobi anyway, and even though Sasuke was still in the Academy, he was already to the insanity level of an eccentric Jonin. So-to-speak. That didn't mean the counselor was going to give up – no, no, no. He had promised the Hokage _results_ , and that was exactly what he was going to do!

Soon Sasuke was so drugged up on those happy little white pills that he was deemed sane enough to leave the anger management sessions. So what if he was a smidge more eccentric than before? Better that he be positive and optimistic than a frothing revenge-obsessed idiot that was a danger to the village as a whole. At least now the brat was out of his hair…

* * *

Kakashi casually surveyed his potential future students, having just given his typical 'Here's my name, you don't need to know the rest' intro. He pondered the advantages and disadvantages of working with this team… So far the disadvantages far outweighed whatever 'advantages' there were. For one, not a single one out of this trio of was dressed in properly subdued colors. Naruto's obnoxious jumpsuit went without saying, and of course Sakura being a civilian meant she wouldn't have the experience yet to know that her bright red dress and pink hair would likely make her as big of a target as Naruto.

… But Sasuke, he took the cake. His rainbow-style shirt (which still had the uchiwa fan on the back, unfortunately enough) and pants would make him a laughingstock in the shinobi corps – even moreso than Might Guy, who could actually get serious when he needed to, contrary to overgeneralizations of his quirks. But Sasuke… he was too damn drugged up on pills to know when it was time to be serious.

What had Lord Hokage been thinking when he had allowed Sasuke to complete his education at the Academy?!

"Alright… How about you, duck-butt?" Kakashi drawled, wanting to get the worst of the introductions out of the way first. "Likes, dislikes, dreams for the future. Go."

"My name is Sasuke Uchiha," Sasuke replied amicably, grinning widely and arms spread out. "I like rainbows and sunshine, woodland creatures and my classmates! I can't say I dislike anyone… I mean, one of my dreams is to help make the world a happier place, and I can't do that if I don't like someone, y'know? I always look on the positive side; you can't keep me down forever! My _ultimate_ dream, nay my _ambition_ , is to drag Itachi back to the village and shower him with love and happy hugs of affection."

At Sasuke's completely serious beaming face, the gathered potential team collectively shivered. This… Oh kami what happened to Sasuke to make him like this?! Even Naruto and Sakura, who had associated with Sasuke for years in the Academy did not look too comfortable being put on a team with him. Sakura had long ago lost any affection she had for the cutey in the face of his overbearing personality, and Naruto had abandoned whatever rivalry they had because of Sasuke's 'crusades of happiness'. Why had Kami forsaken _them_?!

"Um… Uh… Th-That's nice, Sasuke-kun… B-But could you answer one thing for me, though? Why are you so damn happy all the time?" She looked almost too afraid to ask, but she just _had_ to know.

"Happy little white pills, Sakura," Sasuke answered like it was the simplest thing in the world. Which it was. "I take what is considered an overdose for anyone else, every day, and then I forget all about what I was like before the pills. Obviously I was very sick, or the Hokage wouldn't have let me take so much medication."

Sakura sweatdropped at Sasuke's decisive nod and immediately regretted asking. But, since they were on the topic…

"What are you like without those, er… 'pills'…"

"I wouldn't know, bitch; I very rarely miss taking my meds!" Sasuke clamped a hand over his mouth and apologized profusely. "Whoops! Obviously I didn't take enough pills today. I will rectify this posthaste."

With that, Sasuke took out a bottle from his hip pouch, and popped a few little white pills into his mouth like it was the most normal thing in the world. Everybody – _everybody_ – just stared.

 _'Hmm. I wonder if Lord Hokage will let me take Naruto and Sakura, and just return Sasuke to the Academy… Yeah… That sounds like a plan. Me and Rin functioned just fine without Obito after he died, after all.'_ Kakashi nodded decisively and had them move along. The sooner Sasuke was out of their hair, the better.

* * *

Later, on their first not-an-actual C-Rank mission, there had been some slight concerns at the first sign of trouble.

"N-Naruto! Are you okay?!" Sasuke asked with wide, panicked eyes. The blond had just stabbed his hand with a poisoned kunai, and he did not look too happy.

"No, bastard; I just remembered that the damn fox will heal just about any injury, so trying to commit suicide is kinda pointless…"

* * *

"Why are you still here?! You escorted grandpa home, so you can leave! If you stay you're just gonna die."

Sasuke wagged his pointer finger at the grandson of their client.

"Think _positive_ , Inari! Gato might have influence, but we're more powerful! After all, one look at me and he'll be running for the hills. That's what that one guy he hired, Zabuza, did, and I'm just a Genin! He was Jonin-level at least!"

Kakashi hummed noncommittally at this. In theory, that _is_ what Zabuza did… But it wasn't so much out of fear. Kakashi wasn't really sure, but he swore that he heard Zabuza muttering under his breath how he wasn't going to risk getting Sasuke's blood on the Executioner's Blade and contracting whatever the hell Sasuke had that made him dress like a hippy. Kakashi couldn't have agreed more, honestly; hippies were not to be trifled with.

A pity that Sarutobi hadn't allowed him to send the brat back to the Academy.

* * *

And then the Chunin Exams finally arrived…

"… One more thing, don't die!"

Sasuke nodded sagely at the 'slightly' unbalanced Proctor's warning as they were about to enter the Forest of Death. He turned to look at Naruto and Sakura, who had varying degrees of trepidation etched on their faces at entering such a supposedly dangerous place. … Okay, _Sakura_ looked bothered by the Exam; Naruto just looked determined as always.

"M-Maybe it's not such a good idea to take these exams after all…" Sakura squeaked, edging away from their gate slightly. "I'd hate to be trapped in a deadly forest with Sasuke for three days."

Sasuke placed what he thought was a comforting hand on Sakura's shoulder, but actually didn't do any such thing. At all.

"Relax, Sakura, the Proctor wouldn't send us into something we couldn't handle. It's not like there'll be some creepy pedophile stalking us that we'll totally be unprepared for!"

Sakura smiled wryly. Knowing their track record… But then Naruto spoke up and actually cheered her up a little.

"Eh, it'll be fine, Sakura-chan! If we run into a bear or whatever, I'm sure we can sacrifice Sasuke and get away! Maybe the bastard'll give the bear indigestion, but it would be in self-defense, y'know?"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes reprovingly at Naruto, but Sakura grinned and nodded at Naruto's suggestion.

"You're right! I'm probably worrying over nothing."

Even though Sasuke was forced to be perpetually happy and optimistic thanks to those happy little white pills, sometimes Sasuke was reminded that his team sucked… After all, if he was the meat shield all the time, how was he supposed to eventually fulfill his dream of bringing Itachi back to the village?

* * *

Meanwhile, a certain Snake Sannin was reconsidering his plans to acquire the Sharingan and invade the Hidden Leaf… After all, did he _really_ need eyes that obviously induced insanity? Taking possession of young Sasuke-kun's body was completely out of the question, too, since he didn't want to contract… whatever it is that hippies have that make them crazy. They were _shinobi_ , for crying out loud! Shinobi arts called for gratuitous amounts of violence, not happy, lovey crap.

So no, Orochimaru would need to rethink his plans to destroy the Leaf. Not only did he want to personally avoid being anywhere near Sasuke Uchiha, but he didn't want his beloved minions to contract hippy-itis either. He did _not_ need a damn village of hippies. Gullible little children that hinged onto his every word, but permanently happy hippies… **no**.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Honestly, I'm not a hundred percent sure where this came from. I know the original idea was inspired by the fanfic** _ **Naruto's Quirks**_ **– which I totally recommend you check out – but it's not completely like that fic, either. I basically took Sasuke's revenge quirk… and I took it away from him. Which did not end well, but you get the point.**

 **I do know where I got the bit with Sasuke and his counselor from, however... Can you guess where? :D**

 **Maybe I'll continue this with different people and quirks; that's entirely up to you guys. The point of it would be to overexaggerate those quirks and then take them away, like I did with Sasuke here. This is crack; I did it for fun and don't regret it one bit. Sasuke is just too fun to pick on. XD**

 **Oh, and I'm alive, by the way. Just up to my elbows in schoolwork. So there's that, too. Haha. ^^;**


	2. Itachi

**Prompt Two: Itachi loses his Stoicism**

If there was anything Itachi Uchiha prided himself on, it was his stoicism. His ability to conceal his emotions. His ability to remain calm no matter how dire the circumstances. This fanatical stoicism was what allowed him to murder much of his clan without batting an eye; his stoic mask did slip when he confronted his parents, but it was not enough to prevent their deaths. This fanatical stoicism was chiefly the reason he was considered a "true" shinobi, one that was able to "kill his heart".

After becoming a Missing-nin and joining the notorious Akatsuki, Itachi kept an even tighter lid on his emotions, if that were at all possible. Regardless, his stoicism was enough to fool most of the Akatsuki members, up to and including the figurehead leader who possessed the Rinnegan.

There was one person in Akatsuki who knew Itachi's true motivations and feelings – the _true_ leader of Akatsuki – but he and Itachi were pretty much on equal footing. If 'Madara' ever did anything to harm Sasuke or the Hidden Leaf, the supposed ancient Uchiha was well aware that Itachi could kick up enough of a storm to throw all of his machinations into disarray. Itachi's stoicism and overall continued existence were the only things keeping it a stalemate between the two. And Itachi had absolutely no intention of losing his stoicism.

Ever.

Except for when he finally did. Then things went topsy-turvy and all kinds of curvy – but we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves.

What most people did not know (and Itachi enjoyed in never telling) is that one major reason he was so stoic all the time was his obsession with drinking tea. Itachi generally did not have a 'favorite' tea, but he did enjoy fresh brewed herbal tea from within the Hidden Leaf… And that, in the end, was his "downfall".

… That and letting Kisame fetch their drinks when they stopped at that café shortly after infiltrating the village for the "official" reason of trying to acquire the Nine-Tails. Unofficially, they were just there to scare the shit out of Danzo and keep him in check. Kisame just didn't know that.

At any rate, it all began when Kisame went to fetch their drinks. Never one for drinking a sissy drink like tea, Kisame tended to get sake instead from whatever restaurant was nearby. What made this trip different was that a relatively new beverage was being obnoxiously advertised at the café Itachi had them stop at. Something called an "espresso"… whatever that was. Cashier guy remarked that it worked wonders, though; just a few sips and anybody would feel wide awake. Having travelled nonstop to the Hidden Leaf because Itachi stubbornly insisted "time was of the essence", Kisame _was_ feeling a bit haggard… though he didn't really show it, because Kisame Hoshigaki was a _man_.

No matter how much he looked like a shark.

Problem was, Kisame was allowed some experimental sips before returning to Itachi. Since it was a new beverage, the manager wanted Kisame's complete and honest opinion about its taste and quality. Well, truth to tell, Kisame was _not_ impressed with just a few shots of espresso. It was a step up from tea to be sure, but it was missing something… that _punch_ that Kisame had been expecting when he heard the drink described. Never a quitter, the manager ordered the experimental espresso to be given several more shots… Approximately fourteen shots. When Kisame tried _fourteen_ shots of espresso, _that_ was when he was well and truly impressed. Almost immediately he began to tap his foot, and the vestiges of sleepiness dissipated into nothingness. Kisame was one satisfied customer, so he ordered two of those, completely forgetting in his over-caffeinated state that Itachi wanted herbal tea… simple herbal tea.

When he returned to the table that Itachi was saving for the two of them, Kisame abruptly remembered (quite sadly) that he would not be having both of those cups, as Itachi was there with him. He made a mental note to go get a third cup and absentmindedly handed Itachi an espresso.

Now, unlike his partner who was not all-together there now, Itachi knew right away something was amiss when Kisame handed him his drink. Whatever was in that porcelain cup, it smelled _way_ too strongly to be herbal tea. He immediately brought this to Kisame's attention, but his blue-skinned comrade seemed to be lost in his own little world as he "idly" sipped his own espresso and muttered incoherently to himself.

"I mean, did we really have to rush all the way here? Nine is supposed to come last, and we're not all that ready yet to hunt down… Do my fingers look blue to you? That's weird… never noticed that before… Y'know ya got lines on your face 'Tachi? Three of 'em, two under your eyes and one where you mouth is… oh wait, that is your mouth… Do you think we'll get the Eight-Tailed Octopus after this? Y'know that sharks eat octopi, right? Or was it the other way around? Hmm…"

Itachi stared blankly at the shark-man, getting the vague sense he did _not_ want to know what made the man ramble incoherently so. He looked down at his cup of… whatever the heck it was – certainly _not_ herbal tea – and then back up at Kisame. And then back down at the mystery beverage. Every instinct Itachi had screamed at him to just throw the drink away, but he _had_ been taught it was impolite to waste a paid meal.

Just one sip, to test the waters so to speak. Then he'd get that herbal tea.

* * *

"Kakashi… wasn't that Itachi just now? With some blue guy?" Asuma asked uncertainly as they and Kurenai and Guy stared at the quickly receding cloud of dust. Kakashi seemed to have a thousand yard stare about him, having pulled up his hitaite to reveal his Sharingan for what was sure to be a possible losing battle.

"I… I don't know, Asuma…"

Guy struck Good Guy Pose #11… which was his Thinking Pose.

"He _did_ seem much more YOUTHFUL! Did he not?"

"Guy, he screamed, 'It's the Fuzz!' and bolted. Didn't even use a Shunshin. How is _that_ 'youthful' or whatever?" Kurenai muttered beside him.

"His Speed was Most Youthful, Kurenai, you must admit! I think only I could keep up with him." Guy flashed Good Guy Grin #7 at her.

"So why didn't you?" Asuma asked, tone tinted with disbelief.

"Because not too many people just _run_ when they attempt to flee! Most are satisfied with a Shunshin! It was Most Youthful, and I did not wish to Diminish his Newfound Flames of YOUTH!"

Kurenai massaged her temples in exasperation, and Asuma sighed, muttering, "Of course…" under his breath. Kakashi, well… Kakashi was trying to comprehend _cool as a cucumber Itachi Uchiha_ holding a public humiliation of Elder Danzo Shimura like the man was a circus act. Apparently, announcing every unethical, unsanctioned act of the no-longer-secret Root faction of Anbu – _in reverse alphabetical order_ – will not only allow this to happen, but will result in said Elder being held in a Water Prison Jutsu while the civilians throw rotten fruit and potatoes at him.

The man could have used Izanagi… and he did, to be honest. _Five times_ before he learned that an overly caffeinated Itachi Uchiha can be quite tenacious in recapturing him until "his lesson was learned". The _only_ reason Kakashi, Asuma, Kurenai, and Guy were sent out to deal with Itachi was because the other two Elders were scared shitless by Itachi's quite abnormal behavior and would not go near the young Uchiha with a thousand-yard pole. As Naruto and Jiraiya were out fetching Tsunade, the Elders were supposed to be the law in the village… and they were sure doing a crappy job of it. But who could blame them? Itachi's spontaneous return was bizarre enough, but the fact he was solely in town to deal with a corrupt Village Elder…?

Well, let's just say Kakashi understood _perfectly_ why the Elders weren't going to deal with this. Hell, _Kakashi_ was going to binge drink this… 'delightful experience' away. And then, he would (drunkenly) profusely apologize to Sasuke for never _truly_ understanding his pain. Why, if he had a deranged, psychotic older brother like Itachi, Kakashi felt he would go mad himself…

Ironically, this would lead Sasuke to inevitably reject the offer to go to Orochimaru with the Sound Four. Largely because Sasuke never went after Itachi because he _refused_ to believe Itachi had sunk to that depth of insanity. As a result, he never got mind-fucked again for boorishly charging at Itachi. He passed off the rumored Itachi sighting as propaganda passed by… whoever the hell wanted him to hear that bullshit. Seriously, what kind of idiot did they take him for? The Itachi _Sasuke_ knew would never return to deal with an Uchiha conspiracy theorist that ordered the annihilation of the Uchiha Clan…

… Wait a minute…

* * *

"Kisame. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That the purple-headed snake bitch that was chasing us looked kinky?"

"Well, yes, that too… But I was thinking of something… something else…"

"Uh… We got distracted from Akatsuki's objective?"

"No, no… Danzo had that coming… That took precedence. We didn't go _far enough_ with his humiliation… No, that was _not_ what I was thinking…"

"Snake tastes like chicken, so we should hunt Orochimaru down?"

"… Nah, too predictable."

"Hmm… We should ransack and plunder the Hidden Leaf?"

"I'm supposed to be kinda loyal to that place, so… Nah…"

"You are? Weird, I thought you defected, like me… Hmm… What if we play matchmaker with everybody? Or create an m-preg Jutsu?"

"Shhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet! The fangirls can hear us!"

"I hate those things… Always come up with the weirdest fantasies… How about… How about we systematically hunt down the other Akatsuki members and save the world?"

"But how would we go about doing that…? Like, half our organization is immortal…"

"'Kill it with fire' comes to mind, don't it?"

"Ah, yes… Amaterasu cooks things quite lovely. That could work. Why do you bring this up?"

"Well… when sharks are born, sometimes they eat each other so that only the strongest survive… or something… and I say shinobi are like sharks!"

"But we were born long ago."

"Yeah, but… but… Look, I got nothin', 'kay? Let's just hunt these guys, 'kay?"

"'Kay."

* * *

In a forest clearing, two pairs of men stood across from one another, and only one out of the four was keenly aware of the Killing Intent radiating from the rival pair…

"Itachi? Kisame? What the hell…" Kakuzu began, but was promptly cut off when his hearts were set on fire… literally. All five of them.

"Amaterasu!" Itachi hissed, and a drop of blood trailed down his cheek. Hidan's eyes bugged out as his partner 'randomly' crumpled to the ground and died. He snarled at the uncalled-for attack.

"What the fuck! I've been trying to kill Kakuzu for weeks now! How'd you do that…!"

"Sorry, Hidan!" Kisame yelled and heavily swung Samehada at Hidan and lobbed off his head. From there, Itachi did a repeat performance with Amaterasu, but this time on Hidan's body.

"Infidels! Jashin will have your heads for this! And you should _know_ I can't die, fuckers!"

Itachi did not seem concerned about that.

"Hmm. Immortal body meets flames that won't die until the thing it's burning is destroyed… I suppose we will finally find out which is superior – the unstoppable force or the immoveable object."

Hidan twitched from his head's position on the ground.

" _That makes no fucking sense_!"

"It does to me, Hidan, it does to me… And that is all that matters."

* * *

"You… You killed Sasori no danna!" Deidara pointed accusingly at Itachi, who actually seemed dumbfounded for once.

"So... So fast… Was he made of _wood_?"

"Uh… Yeah! Sasori no danna was a _puppet_ , you fucking idiot! Hm!"

"That would explain why Amaterasu ate through him like a child savagely devours a sweet chocolate morsel…" Itachi mused aloud. Deidara looked ready to pull out his hair in frustration; did Itachi not understand the consequences of what would happen now?! Sure, Itachi would probably take the heat for killing off Sasori no danna, but he would probably be getting some too for "allowing it to happen".

How the hell was he supposed to beat the guy who bullied him into Akatsuki… _without_ killing him… when he wasn't in his right state of mind…?!

"Don't worry, Deidara, you will soon join him…" Itachi 'assured' the mad bomber, turning on his Mangekyo again.

That's it. That's all Deidara could take. He was _done_!

"Come any closer or try anything, and I will _explode_ you! Un! _I am a living bomb_!" Deidara raged, grinning maniacally as he prepared to "detonate" himself.

Itachi did not seem worried.

"… Amaterasu." Itachi smiled fondly as he watched Deidara screaming in agony, being eaten alive by the incessant black flames. Silly Deidara… his C0 or whatever took a good minute or two to set up. Amaterasu would take seconds to kill him.

Life was good.

* * *

"Itachi… I hope you know why I am here…" An ominous voice thundered in front of the young Uchiha… who happened to be cozily sitting on the throne in that one random Uchiha hideout thing. Yeah. He was badass.

"I take it it's not to make me Employee of the Month?" Itachi mused, unintimidated by a pair of ringed eyes narrowing into slits at him. Well, okay… _Six_ pairs of ringed eyes.

"No…"

"Well, shoot. I was kinda hoping you'd be unbiased enough to make that decision, now that it's just down to the two of us. C'mon, boss, you're not a selfish guy…"

"Itachi… you killed _**everyone**_..."

"Well that award sure as hell wasn't going to go to Kisame. He just wasn't himself anymore, y'know? And I had to take out Konan 'cause it's not fair for her to be in the running when she's from your village and she's, like, your girlfriend…"

… Why did Pain feel a migraine coming on?

"Itachi. What the hell. You _massacred_ Akatsuki!"

"You'd think that you guys would've considered that part of my application when I joined… I mean, I massacred the Uchiha Clan… with a little of Madara's help, I guess… But still."

"Itachi…" Pain's Killing Intent spiked. Tenfold.

"Oh, yeah. I took care of that weed problem we had, too! Dunno why you considered Zetsu a member when he was kinda manipulating you all just so that he could resurrect his mother. What a mama's boy."

"I… what?" Pain was well and truly lost now.

"Yeah, Madara kinda dropped off the grid after that happened… So now it's just you and me. And, y'know, the husk of the Ten-Tails or whatever, but that's not really a person now is it?"

"Itachi… What made you like this? _Why_ are you acting like this?"

"A truly magical drink, Sir Leader. One that you won't ever partake of, if you don't name me Employee of the Month this instant…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… Almighty…"

"Amaterasu!" Itachi smiled benignly as the Chakra Receivers that were reanimating the Six Paths of Pain burned to ashes. Said burning took a matter of seconds, and once it was done, the bodies fell to the ground, well, lifelessly. With that, the diabolical organization of Akatsuki was put to an end. … Except for the fact that Nagato's real body was still out there, freaking out that his connection with his Six Paths was ended so effortlessly, and then there was Madara of course… But still, what could they do on their own? They literally had no puppets left, so the Tailed Beasts wouldn't be collected for a long, long time.

Everything was right with the world. … Except the overuse of Amaterasu caused Itachi to be blind as a bat, but hey, 'Kill it with Fire' is a valid solution to all life's problems. Giant spider? Kill it with Fire. A fangirl looks at you funny? Kill it with Fire. An insane organization hell bent on ruling the world through intimidation and an endless cycle of fear and hatred? … You get the idea.

* * *

Far, far away in a dimension of prisms, a man once known as Obito Uchiha was in the fetal position as he realized that _all_ of his machinations had _literally_ gone up in flames. He would never reach that Dream World with Rin because _Itachi Uchiha_ had finally snapped for whatever bizarre reason. There was simply no way for him to salvage this; if he made any attempt _at all_ , Itachi had made it quite clear what would happen. As much as Obito detested the world they lived in, he _liked_ living. He needed to stay alive long enough to have Madara resurrected and pass the buck onto him, because Obito was _done_ trying to remain on equal footing with Itachi.

Itachi had once and for all shattered the stalemate they had been in for the longest time (okay, give or take five years). The Hidden Leaf was made aware of the truth behind the Uchiha Massacre, and Akatsuki was terminated. There would be no coming back from this…

* * *

 **Author's Note: Eh, I couldn't really find a good way to end this one… Itachi plus (strong) espresso equals OP, but I guess that's what happens when a strategist like Itachi gets really wired. XD Keep in mind that these will be separate one-shots, so there's no connections between them whatsoever. No hippy Sasuke here, and no caffeinated Itachi in the previous chapter… :P**

 **Again, these are for fun, so no regrets here. Unless I get suggestions for other characters, I'll probably be attempting a kick-ass (Part One) Sakura next, simply because the scenario I've envisioned amuses me. From there, who knows. XD**


	3. Sakura

**Prompt Three: Sakura loses her Fangirl Complex**

 _"Sakura… Thank you."_

For as long as she could remember, Sakura Haruno had always had a crush on the heartthrob known as Sasuke Uchiha. Well, okay – it was approximately for the past four or five years that she had experienced such intense hormones… But the point is, she liked the guy. She liked him _a lot_. Within reason, Sakura would do anything for the guy if it meant getting into a long-term, committed relationship with him. Seriously. Contrary to overexaggerated rumors, she was not so single-minded that she would throw away anything and everything to get with her man. … Er, boy. She _did_ have her principles, y'know. Geez. … She would just throw away anything _within reason_ if it meant she could be with her man… boy.

… Don't ask how she came to realize this so early on in her life. Just… don't. The mind of a budding hormonal teenage girl is a thing to behold. Really.

Still, it must be said that despite her intense devotion, Sakura Haruno had not had much success in getting her boy to notice and appreciate her. Okay, so maybe Sasuke-kun liked capable kunoichi, and she hadn't really had much opportunity to strut her stuff. I mean, c'mon, it's not _her_ fault! Their first Not-a-C-Rank Mission had them up against friggin' _Zabuza Momochi_! And his little partner that had a powerful Kekki Genkai. She wasn't from some ancient, powerful Clan like Sasuke-kun, and she wasn't a freak like Naruto…

Okay, that was a bit mean and _really_ not true. Sure, the idiot could be annoying with his stubborn date proposals, and sure, the guy was kinda reviled by a lot of the villagers and had some weird power going from him, but he wasn't _that_ bad… Sakura had come to realize that much since their days in the Academy. She wasn't spiteful and derogatory toward the blond like another certain stereotype would have you believe; not since they'd become Genin and the guy had started to prove himself, anyway.

And then there was the whole Chunin Exams debacle – again, another case of being outmatched, at least in her case. They'd only been out of the Academy for like half a year or less before Kakashi-sensei got that bright idea into his head to enter three greenhorn Genin into a test that could promote them. … The odds were against them to be sure, but there was always that miniscule chance they could fumble their way to Chunin. What had Kakashi-sensei's plan been if _that_ had happened? Sure! Let's make these wet-behind-the-ears kid soldiers take up (admittedly minor) leadership roles! That'll work out real well for everyone.

… Calm down, Sakura, Kakashi-sensei probably had very valid reasons for allowing you to test for Chunin… Same with Lord Hokage for not only allowing but _approving_ your entry…

At any rate, it wasn't Sakura's fault that most of Team Seven's opponents had been marginally more powerful than her. Bakakashi-sensei had taught them one main thing… _one_! To walk up trees. Much of their training had been in teamwork, and while Sakura could appreciate that, she could tell anyone who listened that she was the weakest link on the team. As a 'Civvie ninja', Sakura had no prior training to fall back on; and when she had gone to Bakakashi-sensei about this, all he had to say was, "That's good, Sakura, keep it up!"

… While reading that perverted trash, too! Cha!

Sakura had the distinct impression that she was the third (or was that fourth?) wheel on this team. All Bakakashi-sensei cared about was getting Sasuke (and Naruto, oddly enough) up to snuff. True, Kakashi had set Naruto up with some 'lame' instructor – at least according to Naruto – but she could not and did not buy the 'coincidence' that was _Master Jiraiya_ stumbling upon Naruto and taking him under his wing. That was too damn convenient. Too damn _lucky_.

Oh, and did Bakakashi-sensei even bother to foist _her_ off on someone while he did one-on-one training with Sasuke? _Nooo_. What the hell was she supposed to do while her teammates trained their asses off for the Exams?! Sakura was used to being cast aside or looked over in favor of more beautiful girls, but this was ridiculous…

Now in one universe, Sakura Haruno would take this lying down and do basically _nothing_ between the Invasion and Sasuke Uchiha's defection. In this one, however, Inner Sakura had spurred her on to take that initiative for training just a wee bit earlier… In the aforementioned timeframe just described.

With Anko Mitarashi of all people.

So basically while Naruto was off looking for Tsunade, Sakura was losing her greenhorn innocence at a respectable rate. And it even continued after Tsunade was installed as the Fifth Hokage. Yet one aspect of her old self that would just _not_ go away was her infatuation with her beloved Sasuke-kun. Sakura could admit it to herself – she had it _bad_ for the heartthrob.

… Until she was rejected one time too many. Theeen everybody was screwed. Not immediately, mind you, but still. After Sasuke-kun knocked her out so that he could defect from the village, Sakura finally saw the light… and oh, how everybody wished the old Sakura-chan would come back. Pretty please?

* * *

"Alright… we're all set." Shikamaru remarked as he surveyed the Sasuke Retrieval Squad one last time. Naruto, Kiba, Choji, and Neji all looked as determined as he did, and for that Shikamaru was grateful.

… But why was Sakura of all people walking up to them?

"Oh, Sakura-chan! Don't worry about Sasuke, I promise to bring him back!" Naruto proudly proclaimed as he gave the pinkette a thumbs-up.

… Shikamaru swore he saw something glint in Sakura's eyes just then. And he didn't like it.

"I know, Naruto. That's why I'm coming along. He doesn't get the chance to leave." Sakura replied in a voice that chilled the whole of the Sasuke Retrieval Squad to its core.

"S-Sakura…" Shikamaru licked his lips delicately as he considered his words carefully. "I personally handpicked these guys 'cause I believe they're the best chance we have at tracking down and recapturing Sasuke… I think your presence might…"

Shikamaru hesitated as he felt Sakura's heated fixed gaze on him.

"Might… what?"

"I-It m-might… might throw our whole strategy off. Yeah." Shikamaru winced as a small spike of Killing Intent hit him. Gosh that glare of hers was discomforting…

"It's okay. I won't get in the way, I promise."

"B-But Sakura-chan! You're not all packed like us!" Naruto babbled worriedly. Sakura only gave him a sidelong glance.

"I don't need it, Naruto. This will be short and sweet."

"O-oh… O-okay…" Naruto trailed off uncertainly, obviously not getting the drastic change in Sakura-chan's personality.

"Now let's go." Sakura said tersely, and promptly bolted out of the front gate, leaving the boys in the dust. A few seconds later, the boys hurried after her… cautiously…

Gosh this was going to be one awkward mission…

* * *

As the Sasuke Retrieval Squad (plus Sakura) pursued and encountered the members of the Sound Four, it went about as well as any mission could go if a team comprised of first and second year Genin (and a Chunin) were to go up against a team of powerhouses. … Which is to say, it _wasn't_ going very well. First, Choji split off to deal with that Jirobo guy… Then, Neji split off to take on Kidomaru… Then Kiba got separated to deal with that Sakon guy… And of course Shikamaru stayed behind to take on the Tayuya chick.

Things really went downhill when that Kimimaro guy showed up from out of nowhere and bolted off with the pot that held Sasuke. But that was also where things began to go really, really _right_ for a change. 'Cause you see, that was when Sakura began to deign to step in. Now, you might be thinking Kimimaro was way too strong of an opponent for Sakura-chan to take on her own… But this was not the frail, wringing-hands Sakura-chan that begged and pleaded Naruto to bring Sasuke-kun back to her. _This_ Sakura-chan had been training under Anko Mitarashi ever since Naruto went off to fetch Tsunade. _This_ Sakura-chan was a woman… er, girl scorned one time too many.

And most importantly… This Sakura-chan had integrated Inner Sakura into her main personality.

"I don't know why you're even bothering to try and fight me, trash… But I'll tell you what. Return home to your worthless village, and I'll spare you. It is simply not in my nature to waste my time with such a pitiful girl like you…"

In that moment, an ominous feeling went up and down Kimimaro's freaky back. He didn't know why, but he got the distinct impression that he _shouldn't_ have said that… Hell if he knew why, though. This brat had pink hair. And wore a vivid red dress! It was _impossible_ to take her seriously. Lord Orochimaru would severely discipline him if this fight lasted over ten seconds, because that was how insignificant the brat was to the young Kaguya. Hell, _five_ seconds would be overkill.

But then the pinkette cracked her knuckles… _loudly_. At first Kimimaro could only scoff at what was obviously a case of overinflated bravado; but then she used a simple kunai to deflect the projectile finger bones when he aimed his hand at her to wipe her out, and it was only then a trickle of sweat began to form on the young Kaguya. He lifted up his other hand to shoot off two waves of finger bones… But again, one kunai was enough to keep the pinkette out of harm's way.

"Not bad for a pink-haired bitch… But let's see how you do hand-to-hand!" Kimimaro charged forward, despite that ominous feeling returning… tenfold…

Next thing the young Kaguya knew, he was propelled backwards. By a single punch. Despite the fact he had underestimated the girl's strength, it was not the "simple" punch that filled him with dread… It was that twitchy smile, closed-eyes smile.

And the way she _casually_ strutted over to him even after landing a good punch. It was like she had complete confidence he could do _nothing_ to harm her. The nerve…! He had been Lord Orochimaru's previous ideal choice for a host body, and this pink-haired _bitch_ was treating him just like any pathetic underling. It seemed as though he would need to teach her that one lucky strike was far from winning a battle…

Ah, but then the pinkette's eyes reopened, and Kimimaro was completely mesmerized by the murderous, unholy fire that was contained in those orbs… He was unable to do… anything… And that was when _he_ , _Kimimaro Kaguya_ , began to shamelessly scream for his mommy – err… Lord Orochimaru… - as the pink-headed abomination tore him a new one and actually managed to crack some of his strong-as-titanium bones.

The worst part, however, was not that the beating was so severe that he was a quivering, bloodied pulp in a matter of minutes… The _worst_ part was that she had not been merciful enough to just end his pitiful excuse for a life. Apparently it was his burden to atone for his sins – for indeed, Sasuke Uchiha had apparently awoken in the time Sakura was walloping on him and had run off who-knows-where, pursued by the blond Uzumaki – by living in a perpetual state of near-death.

… Or at least until he slowly bled out to death. Whichever came first, the pink-headed abomination had said. At any rate, that was the state the pinkette had left Kimimaro Kaguya in – a quivering, whining-for-Lord-Orochimaru, pitiful excuse of a shell of a man. When Gaara had shown up some time later to assist the Sasuke Retrieval Squad, he had been seen as a merciful savior because he had seen fit to put Kimimaro out of his misery.

No epic battle in a field of bones required.

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha had never felt so much relief as he hovered over his "best friend" and rival's unconscious body. It had been a battle of epic proportions, but he had _won_. He had earned the "right" to defect from the Hidden Leaf and begin _true_ training that would ultimately lead him to kill Itachi. Once and for all.

Coughing up a little blood for good, dramatic measure, Sasuke shakily stood up and began to once again walk in the direction of the Land of Sound. But before he took even five steps away from Naruto, he got the distinct feeling someone was behind him. Whipping around, he witnessed a silhouette striding toward him through the thick woods surrounding the Valley of the End. Sasuke shakily pulled out three shuriken from his hip pouch and got in a defense stance as he waited for the silhouette to become clear.

… His one mistake was dropping his guard when it became clear that it was his _other_ teammate that was here to try and bring him back. Idiots. Didn't they realize it was of the utmost vital importance that he take his revenge on Itachi?!

"Hn. The weakest link is here, too? When will you people _learn_?"

Just as Sasuke was about to turn around and (not limp, _never_ limp) walk away, he heard the distinct sounds of Sakura running across the soaked ground to close the gap between them. He had been prepared to break out of a tight hug, because that's who Sakura was; a useless fangirl who never learned her lesson. … Which is why he was quite shocked (and in great agony) when he felt Sakura twist his left arm hard enough to dislocate his shoulder. Sasuke collapsed to his knees and nursed his injured appendage, but then suddenly found himself shoved flat to the ground by Sakura's foot to his back. When she dug her foot into his back sharply, Sasuke let out another scream of agony.

" _Wh-What the hell?!_ " Sasuke yelled as he tried to look up at Sakura to discern why she was doing this. Didn't she have a thing for him?

"Oh, I'm _sorry_ , Sasuke-kun! Did that hurt?" Sakura asked in a saccharine tone. She grabbed a hold of his right leg. "Here, let me help take your mind off that!"

Again, Sasuke howled as she bent his leg back harshly enough to make a sound that sounded suspiciously like a _'Crack!'_. … Yup. That leg was broken now.

"Y-You _bitch_ … If I can't get out of here before a real challenge actually arrives, I will _end_ you…" True to his word, Sasuke began to call upon the Cursed Seal's power… again. Given Sakura's apparent demeanor, he didn't feel ashamed in the least to be "wasting" such a fantastic power on her.

… So why did he feel the suspiciously familiar reapplication of a certain Seal on him…?

"Nope. _Sorry_ , Sasuke-kun, but Anko-sensei would be quite disappointed if I couldn't apply the improved Evil Sealing Method to someone like you."

Sasuke gritted his teeth painfully.

"B-But that relies on my willpower to remain active! I _want_ to use the Cursed Seal!"

"I _just_ said it was an improved version, didn't I?" Sakura shot back dryly. "I'm far from an expert in Seals, but between me and Anko-sensei, we found a way to make the Evil Sealing Method stronger. Kinda works like a shock collar now; you try to use the Cursed Seal, and, well… you get the idea."

To spite her, Sasuke attempted to draw on the Cursed Seal again, but he quickly found the pink-haired bitch wasn't _lying_ …

"Does this make you feel _vindicated_ , Sakura? Are you _happy_ now?" At this rate he would never get vengeance on Itachi…

"Sasuke-kun, you brought this on yourself, so don't even start. I could take the fact that I'm not your ideal choice of a girlfriend… But then you refused to let me come with you, let alone promise me you would return. For that you must pay."

Sasuke let out yet another howl as Sakura broke his left leg… Shit that burned…

" _That doesn't make any sense_! I'm not going to swear loyalty to a village that won't help me get stronger, _Sakura_ , so you can forget… NNGHN!" Sasuke shivered in pain as Sakura casually snapped his right arm. "WHAT ARE YOU!"

"I'm just a pretty little girl…"

* * *

 **Author's Note: So… Yeah, that happened. My main source of inspiration for Sakura's 'anti-quirkiness' came from Mandy of the Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy (if you couldn't tell from that last quote). XD Her heart simply grew ten times too small after that last rejection from Sasuke. Hope you enjoyed it a little. ^^**

 **A few of you guys offered up suggestions for the next character – Kakashi, Hinata, Black Zetsu, etc. And some of you guys really want to have the separate universes connected… I probably would attempt that under normal circumstances, but I think one character with anti-quirks is quite enough for one universe, don't you? I think one universe would literally explode if a hippy Sasuke and caffeinated Itachi were to ever occupy the same universe. XD Doesn't mean the option is completely off the table, but it does mean I won't be trying it in the near future. … Even I have my limits. Sorta. lol**

 **So yeah, for your guys' sake I'll consider Hinata, Kakashi, or Black Zetsu next. No voting, 'cause I'll be getting to each of them eventually, but do think of who else you might want to see… 'tweaked' with. I'll be brainstorming as well. ^^**


	4. Black Zetsu

**Pre-Author's Note: Warning – this chapter miiight have a different tone to it. At least at the start.**

 **Prompt Four: Manipulation can be a Game, Too**

" **Let us begin.** "

Madara Uchiha's eyes snapped open as he registered pain reverberating through his head. It took some time for his eyes to become accustomed to the darkness of the compact room. The last thing he remembered… Well, that was kind of hard, actually. In all honesty, Madara _couldn't_ dredge up any recent memories… and that was _bad_. For him to be in some confined space with no idea how he had gotten there, it really illustrated how screwed he could be.

After all, it would take someone of very special skill to get the drop on him _and_ overwhelm him enough to the point of knocking him out. Of course, that raised a multitude of other questions, because the only reason Madara could think of for why someone would attack a Clan Head would be to kill him, and he wasn't obviously dead… yet.

Clutching his throbbing head with one hand, Madara struggled to his feet and maneuvered over to the one and only door in the room. It was wooden, reinforced with iron or some other durable material, and there was a tiny window with iron bars that was just about at his full height. Looking through the window, Madara could see a corridor filled with doors presumably similar to his own. When he saw Hashirama peeping through a window, Madara discounted one theory in regards to who overwhelmed him.

After all, Hashirama couldn't have locked him up if he was a prisoner here, too.

"HASHIRAMA! Where are we?" Madara bellowed. Any details would be useful at this point…

"I don't know!" Hashirama called back. "But it's not the Hidden Leaf; Sage Mode tells me that much."

Madara hummed thoughtfully. Was it possible that another of those upstart villages somehow got the drop on them? They had the most to gain from poaching two of the strongest shinobi of the Hidden Leaf. That still left the question of why they were simply kidnapped, though…

"Brother? What's going on?"

Madara felt the color drain from his face as he registered that third voice. Oooh, there would be _hell_ to pay… Taking him was one thing. Madara could handle that with a cool head. But taking Izuna, too?

"Remain calm, Izuna. We will make it out of here, I promise."

"That… might be a bit difficult." A fourth voice spoke up, revealing Tobirama to be in a cell as well. "I've been awake the longest, and nothing I've done can get these doors to open. Of course, that might have something to do with the rod imbedded in my chest. Whenever I've tried using a Jutsu, the rod would stop me in my tracks."

That was when Madara registered it – a rod that was imbedded in his chest as well, and he assumed it was the same case in Izuna and Hashirama, too. How he had missed something so obvious Madara did not know, but it pissed him off. This whole situation pissed him off, really.

"Does _anyone_ remember what the hell happened?" Madara groused grumpily. If they had to wait around for some captor to show up, the least they could do was gather information on their situation.

" **Allow me to cut in, gentlemen.** " A gravelly voice echoed throughout the corridor and the cells. Not one of them recognized the shady stranger that now stood in the middle of the corridor; he had no distinguishable features, a worn-out black cloak and hood made sure of that. When no one attempted to interrupt him, the man pressed on, " **You are here for one simple purpose… You are here to prove a point.** "

"And what point is that?" Madara asked in a disbelieving tone.

When the man shot a sidelong glance Madara's way, all Madara could catch was an eerie yellow eye.

" **Why, that chaos is the natural state of this world. That no matter how many bonds you form, hatred will still linger. More importantly… that hatred is one hair trigger pull away from being set off at any point in time.** "

"I don't believe that!" Hashirama refuted the man. "The Hidden Leaf was formed after years of hard work and secret camaraderie! Our fathers never believed a ninja village could be formed, but look at us now! Senju and Uchiha are united!"

" **And that is precisely why this little demonstration had to happen,** " The man now inclined his head toward Hashirama. " **Your village only ever came about because** _ **I**_ **allowed it to happen. I thought that your attempt would fall flat before you ever truly got started, but you have proven your tenacity for the unattainable. You feel that now that your little dream has come to pass that you will be able to keep it from falling apart as long as you work** _ **really**_ **hard. You are wrong. There is** _ **no**_ **hope in this decrepit world.** "

"So what do you intend to do? Keep us here while the village falls apart?" Tobirama pressed.

A strange, raspy laugh was Tobirama's answer.

" **On the contrary, you can return whenever you wish. In fact, I fully intend to let you out of your cells in just a moment. However, to escape this** _ **facility**_ **, you will have to work a little harder. One of you… will have to** _ **die**_ **so that the others may escape. It's as simple as that. There are no alternatives.** "

With having said that, their captor did something that enabled their cell doors to unlock, and then sank into the floor before any of the Kage-level ninja could get to him. Hashirama, Madara, Tobirama, and Izuna all slowly stepped out of the cells and faced one another. There was nothing else to say, really, so they split off to search for possible exits. One thing was certain…

The man hadn't been lying.

* * *

Later, as Black Zetsu remotely unlocked the only exit from the outside, he couldn't help but laugh at how easy it was to coerce these "great" human leaders into playing his little game. The 'Cycle of Hatred' was truly a powerful thing indeed; he had no doubt that with this little demonstration, Senju-Uchiha relations would plunge back to the levels they were at in the Clan Wars.

Many decades ago, when his Divine Mother gave birth to him, Black Zetsu had thought for the longest time that his only purpose in life was to resurrect Mother. All he could ever _think_ about was _Mother_. Mother, Mother, Mother. He was Mother's Will. Mother's right sleeve. Mother's only _hope_ for resurrection.

As you can see, he kind of got sick of having Mother on the brain, but more importantly, the 'last hope' thing kind of ran against his philosophy of there not being hope in this pitiful existence. Moreover, humans were a rebellious and versatile lot, so they would fight Mother's resurrection every step of the way.

So he kinda gave up on his original Sacred Mission.

Thing was, though, manipulation was literally a part of his very essence. Peacefully living alongside the human race for all eternity was something he could not do. So he found a happy middle ground; while he wouldn't outright rebel against Mother like the humans, he _would_ refuse to resurrect her. But he would also punish the humans by forcing them to engage one another in battle.

Mother's Revenge from beyond the grave and all that. More importantly it was something entertaining for him to do. To pass the time.

Black Zetsu still took pride in penning the story of 'shinobi'; he still filled Indra with bitter feelings of resentment for Asura being Hagoromo's successor. And now he was forcing Asura and Indra's reincarnations to either fight each other or die together. Those were the only choices they had, and it appeared as if Indra's reincarnation had elected to be the sacrificial lamb in this little demonstration.

A pity. The man had so much potential darkness in his heart for Black Zetsu to exploit.

As expected, Izuna seemed quite surly with Hashirama and Tobirama as they exited the makeshift underground facility. Good. Perhaps Indra's reincarnation wouldn't be his instrument of hatred, but Izuna could. With much haste, Black Zetsu made his way to Madara's corpse, which was suspiciously left behind.

Of course, Madara was dead. Black Zetsu wouldn't have released those three unless he was absolutely sure someone had died. Which is why he was quite surprised when he went to pick up the body, Madara's hands swiftly flew up towards what would have been Black Zetsu's jugular if he had been a human. All the same, Madara's vice-like grip was uncomfortable.

" **How?!** " Black Zetsu demanded to know before he was consumed in black flames and flung aside like a rag doll.

"Whoops. Looks like someone forgot that I have the Mangekyo. Pity that you overestimated your manipulation skills."

" **But… you… died…** " Black Zetsu grounded out, unable to do anything about the black flames.

"Not that it matters to you, but Izanagi is such a powerful Forbidden Jutsu that it defies reality itself. True, I'll have to acquire a new eye to replace the one that is now blind, but it's a small price to pay. If you had _really_ wanted to create a Prisoner's Dilemma, you would have made sure to gouge out my Sharingan as well as Izuna's – _that_ was your mistake. Besides your overconfidence, anyway."

" **Nghhh… Call off your attack, and I will help you achieve the ultimate power…** "

"Tsk, tsk, tsk, what do you take me for, a fool? You lost your chance to bargain when you captured Izuna. Now you die."

With no further words exchanged, Amaterasu eventually burned away all of Black Zetsu, and Madara took his leave. Well… at least Madara _thought_ that Black Zetsu had been completely eradicated. He never realized that a piece of Black Zetsu had broken off from the main body and clung to Madara's gloved hand like glue.

And with him now returning to the Hidden Leaf, Madara was taking that piece of Black Zetsu with him.

* * *

 _Decades later…_

"So what are we doing tonight, Lord Danzo?"

"The same thing we do every night, Orochimaru. Try to take over the Hidden Leaf!"

… Well, it _was_ only a _part_ of Black Zetsu that survived, after all. Of course it would take years to set up something new. Something unorthodox… but still something new.

Silly humans. Black Zetsu still had to prove that life was unfair, after all.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Do you know how hard it is to make something funny out of Black Zetsu? Do you?! … Well, at least I tried. Haha. I'll admit it started kind of dark and foreboding, but I tried to ease into the humor… I might've failed in that endeavor. :P I must confess, the trailer for Zero Time Dilemma heavily impacted the opening scene. Three more months… ^^**

 **I wanted to try tackling Black Zetsu first 'cause he sounded like a challenge. One I probably failed, but still. Next we'll get into Hinata or Kakashi… I'm leaning towards Hinata-chan… An extremely blunt, cannot-tell-a-lie Hinata. Not that Hinata is a pathological liar, but when it comes to Naruto… well, throughout much of the series she had those 'fainting spells', y'know. What would happen if she randomly blurted out what was on her mind? Y'know, meek, shy Hinata-chan. Not Road-to-Ninja!Hinata. Poor Hinata-chan. XD**

 **I also have to admit the temptation was there to have Izuna or Madara killed off... But I think they had enough angst/torture in canon, so I gave them a break. ... Shut up, Sasuke, I am not a hypocrite. XD**

 **Hafta go, but I'll add in Review Replies later tonight, hopefully.**


	5. Orochimaru

**Prompt Five: He didn't stand a Chance**

A simple misunderstanding. That's all it will take for the wheel of fate to veer off track into what we like to call the Twilight Zone.

… But no, seriously. If you trace a certain Sannin's origins, you will find that one discussion topples the first domino in a chain that will inevitably lead an innocent child to become an amoral, knowledge-obsessive man who no one can truly understand because he might actually be turning over a new leaf, or he might be planning the imminent demise of the Hidden Leaf.

Again.

But, I hear you ask, what discussion could possibly lead to all of this? … Well, it is of course the discussion between young Orochimaru and Hiruzen Sarutobi shortly after the deaths of the former's parents. Orochimaru found a rare snake skin and asked Hiruzen what it was. The Professor, as he so liked to be called, being all worldly knowledgeable and willing to share that knowledge with an impressionable mind, gave young Orochimaru his answer. And from that point on, Orochimaru kept that snake skin and dedicated his life to learning all Jutsu, and eventually the origins of Jutsu, amongst other disciplines because Orochimaru _must know all_.

It all began with that simple discussion. So what if, instead of being sensible, young Hiruzen Sarutobi looked a _little_ too deep into young Orochimaru's query? Being the Professor that he so likes to be called, Hiruzen Sarutobi is _all-knowing_. He's the Third Hokage, damn it. He teaches his shinobi to look underneath the underneath – even if that sounds confusing – and that's precisely what he was going to do in this situation.

Because he's the **Professor**.

"Sarutobi-sensei, what's this?" Orochimaru held up the snake skin for his master to see.

Hiruzen stroked his mighty goatee as he observed the snake skin. Of course he recognized the thing on first glance; he had never seen one before, but it was a white snake skin – extremely rare. But the problem was, Orochimaru was a studious child. Very sharp. He likely knew _exactly_ what he was looking at, so that must not have been his _real_ question.

And then a thought hit Hiruzen like a sturdy adult Akimichi charging at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Budding children could be oh-so-very awkward about certain… parts… of their growth. Now, Orochimaru might be but a child, but he was likely _curious_ about a certain part of his anatomy, hence his indirect way of asking about it.

Hiruzen smiled.

 _'Ah, the time in a boy's life when flight turns to fancy…'_

Never mind the fact that Orochimaru probably didn't even know what sex was. Or had even a remote interest in the fairer sex. But then, hey, Jiraiya had a healthy respect for the ladies already, right? Orochimaru was probably just being shy. They all had to start somewhere.

Ignoring the somewhat nervous look Orochimaru was now giving him – Hiruzen _had_ been awfully quiet as he pondered Orochimaru's question – Hiruzen chuckled, placed a proud hand on Orochimaru's shoulder, and started steering him away from the graves.

"Well, Orochimaru, when a man and woman love each other very much…"

* * *

Jiraiya gnashed his teeth and shook a fist angrily at a teenager who was plastered to his favorite spot in the whole damn bathhouse. On the men's side, anyway. The women's side was basically nirvana, but he never could hold up a convincing transformation for long in there. The raven-haired teenager was hogging the only _good_ peeping hole, the one spot Jiraiya hadn't been able to access for months!

 _Months_!

"Damn it, Orochimaru! Let another hot-blooded male have a turn! You've been like this for over a year!" Jiraiya made an exaggerated motion with his hands, having them on one side and then shifting them to the other side. "Complete mission, beeline to the peeping hole… Every time I try to exploit a time when you _aren't_ there, there's just a pair of old biddies in there! Every! Time!"

Basically, Jiraiya had to get out of team missions to get a shot at the Divine Peeping Hole, and even then there was always, always, _always_ someone else there! Like Sakumo! It was _maddening_!

"Jiraiya, be quiet." Orochimaru hissed, shooting his teammate a sideways glare. "I am conducting… _research_."

"That was _my_ thing!" Jiraiya bellowed as he stomped in the water frustratingly. Regrettably, this had the unintended effect of garnering the attention of every single woman bather next door.

"Did you hear that?"

"Sounded like a peeping tom!"

" _ **JIRAIYAAA!**_ "

Jiraiya and Orochimaru both paled at that last one. Jiraiya pointed a shaky finger at the wall Orochimaru was next to, his eye twitching.

"Y-You did _not_ …" The white-haired teen sucked in a sharp breath. There were certain unwritten, unspoken rules of the Bro Code that the hot-blooded males of Team Hiruzen followed religiously. One such rule was never to rat each other out – which Jiraiya grudgingly admitted he'd broken – but another rule… Orochimaru broke that one.

At least, if the abrupt annihilation of the wall separating the two sides of the bathhouse was any indication. Rule the Second of the Unwritten, Unspoken Bro Code: Never, _ever_ peep on Tsunade. She would know the _second_ one of them decided to do that. Even Sarutobi-sensei with that pervy crystal ball of his.

Especially Sarutobi-sensei.

Jiraiya cursed his raven-haired teammate, who had the sense to pull off a witty Substitution with a number of snakes. Damn that sonuvabitch. He broke Rule the Third of the Unwritten, Unspoken Bro Code: Never leave your Bro at the mercy of a raving mad Tsunade.

There was simply no mercy to be had. Dick. Move.

* * *

"Mmm. Orphans. Shall we leave them in the care of a homely brothel? Little chance of Hanzo getting them there."

Tsunade venomously eyed her teammate for making such a suggestion. Unconsciously, she hugged Konan protectively; oddly enough, none of the orphans objected to her doing that. Jiraiya, well… he didn't dare voice _his_ thoughts. While he thought Orochimaru's suggestion was out-of-line, he didn't think it amoral either.

Eh, it could be their absolute last viable option. Don't judge him. He had to support his fellow pervert.

* * *

"I just don't understand why it didn't sell more…" Jiraiya sighed morosely as he cradled a copy of his now-published _Tales of a Gutsy Ninja_. "You'd think it'd be popular _at least_ among those into the adventure genre."

Orochimaru scoffed at his teammate as he scribbled away at a nearby bench.

"Naruto didn't even get laid. What did you expect? If you want fans, you need to… spice things up a little."

"Maybe…" Jiraiya conceded. "I _do_ have a few ideas for a series of smut… but I need more research. And I'd probably have that research done if _somebody_ didn't hog the new peeping hole all the time…" He sent Orochimaru an accusing glare.

Orochimaru didn't even bat an eye as he continued to scribble something or other.

"Don't look at me. If you can't be bothered to make a new peeping hole for yourself, or consult racy magazines, or even branch out into sneaking into the homes of kunoichi to peep on them, then I don't know what to tell you. You're obviously not trying hard enough."

Jiraiya twitched as he pointed accusingly at Orochimaru.

"I _have_ tried some of that stuff, but you always get in my way!"

"Meh. Still not my problem, Jiraiya."

Not his fault he and Jiraiya had similar tastes in women. Still. Perhaps it was better this way. If Jiraiya actually accomplished enough research to start a smut series of his own, it might cut into the profits for _his_ smut series.

Orochimaru certainly couldn't have that.

* * *

"Orochimaru." Hiruzen cleared his throat as he confronted Orochimaru in his study. For that's what he had, a study filled to the brim with perverted books.

Not a laboratory filled with revolting experiments.

"What is it, Sensei?" Orochimaru asked in a bored tone as he perused a rough draft of his current perverted work, not even bothering to look up at his Sensei when he entered the room.

Hiruzen cleared his throat again as he tried to compose himself – a small trickle of blood gushing from his nose as he clung to Orochimaru's latest published novel in his right hand.

"I… er-hem. I've, ah, given it some thought, and I think the village might greatly benefit if you were to help us… branch out. I vaguely recall you petitioning for a research facility outside the village some time ago, and, uh, I'm… I'm sorry I rejected your request all those years ago. It was foolish to think it was some clever ploy to rebel against the village when in fact the Land of Fire has some of your favorite, ah, _research_ material. I would… I would allow you to construct such a facility if you are still interested."

A tense silence followed as Orochimaru scratched a few notes on the draft he was working on. Still without looking up or detracting from his task at hand, Orochimaru spoke matter-of-factly.

"… This is about the all-women utopia described in my latest work, isn't it?"

He didn't even have to ask. Of _course_ it was about that particularly perverted scene. Hiruzen dabbed at the nose bleed that gushed out even more as that particular scene came to mind.

"Um… well… quite frankly… yes."

Another tense silence.

"I will need village funding, and the promise of village protection if I step on any other village's toes."

"Done." Hiruzen said without hesitation.

"I will try to stick to orphaned girls who have nowhere to go, but you of course know that not all plans will go perfectly. Might mistake a Hidden Cloud kunoichi or two for an orphan."

"Of course."

"Tsunade can never know of this. Or darling little Anko. Poor dear."

"I will ensure Dan keeps her out of the loop. Anko will be kept ignorant as well."

"Good. Oh, and breathe a word to Jiraiya about my facility's location, and you can be sure I will shut it down immediately. I cannot risk him frightening my pet kunoichi. You know how vital my research is."

"Of course."

… They went on like this for some time.

* * *

Orochimaru hummed thoughtfully as he casually strode through the 'dangerous' Forest of Death. Dangerous for Genin testing to be Chunin, perhaps, but never dangerous for Orochimaru. It'd been something of a hunting ground for him ever since Hiruzen gave the green light to use the Chunin Exams for kidnapping kunoichi with 'potential', right under the noses of the other Great Nations.

By 'potential', we do not mean their battle potential.

 _'What a sad turnout this year…'_ Orochimaru mused to himself as he casually walked past corpses and through Genin in the midst of battle as if they weren't fighting at all. _'The Yamanaka heiress and the Hyuga heiress have the most potential so far, but I cannot kidnap them. Can't create a headache for Sensei with those clans.'_

Eventually, Orochimaru had borne witness to just about all the Genin teams. No kunoichi particularly piquing his interest.

And then… he saw her. Flat as a board, short temper, of civilian background, yes… No one would miss her. And he'd even get the chance to see if the pink-haired harpy would grow huge jugs as Tsunade did. Perhaps she would allow him to intimately observe that process of growth; Tsunade never did…

Without a single word to the blond or the raven-haired children, Orochimaru scooped up the pinkette and cradled her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Then he walked off. The poor girl's teammates were so dumbfounded they didn't even move… oh, and it might've been the Genjutsu wearing off, too. Can't have a pair of brats kicking up a storm about their female teammate. Sarutobi-sensei said to keep it quiet.

And to think Orochimaru turned out this way. But then, with two perverts on his team and a female teammate who turned out really hot, could you really say he stood a chance?

* * *

 **Author's Note: … I'm done. That….. I'm sorry, but that** _ **was**_ **fun. XD I know I always joke about a perverted/pedophilic Oro-chan, so I figured, why not actually make it happen? Sorry if you didn't care for it; I did try my best to make it funny. :P**

 **A bit late for Review Replies, so I'll get to those tomorrow.**


	6. Hiruzen

**Prompt Six: No Mercy**

There had been a _reason_ that Tobirama-sensei had selected him to be the Third Hokage. It had been a long time coming, in fact. So what if he was barely out of his teens when he officially inherited the title? Tobirama-sensei always said it was best to start training early in life. Like at six or seven years' old. It was their livelihood, it honestly was. No one knew if they'd make it past thirty in the shinobi lifestyle.

So nothing odd about a Hokage who was in his very early 20s.

But yes, Tobirama-sensei had started training him in the ways of the Hokage very early in life. In one world that just never happened; Hashirama-sensei persuaded Tobirama-sensei that it should be left open so that all six of their students would grow in their own unique individual ways. Tobirama-sensei still ended up naming him the Hokage when they were trying to run from the Kinkaku Squad.

This world is… slightly… no… _very_ different. As per usual, when Hashirama timidly tried to put his foot down, Tobirama ignored him and did his own thing. Namely train Hiruzen from the age of six (or seven, Tobirama didn't know or care). Tobirama would defer to his brother when it counted, but in everything else, Tobirama was a badass who did his own thing. … Even if that meant taking a little kid and training him to be an adult just so he wouldn't have to deal with the accursed _paperwork_ for very long.

Because Hashirama was a bastard and foisted the Hokage title on him pretty soon after killing Madara. Brother was too depressed, and Tobirama didn't have his usual cold heart to say no. 'Cause when you got right down to it, Tobirama _did_ care for his brother.

He just didn't show it very often.

Yet Tobirama's guiding hand in Hiruzen's training from an early age would have… a unique effect on the boy's (now man's) psyche. Hiruzen was a kindhearted child who found it all too easy to forgive someone, even when the transgression was huge. That would later cause him to let Orochimaru escape, Danzo to keep his Root, and so many other things. But thanks to Tobirama-sensei, he pretty much became a mini-Tobirama. Which pretty much boiled down to…

 **No Mercy**.

Well, there might be an exception or two, as Jiraiya and Naruto would later attest to. But if you threatened Hiruzen's village, or committed some truly vile act or whatever, ohohoho, you'd better summon whatever courage you've got left and run. 'Cause Hiruzen no longer cleaned up other people's messes. Hiruzen no longer had the patience of a saint. He beat them within an inch of their life and made _them_ clean it up.

Because Hiruzen Sarutobi was the Kami of Shinobi who rained down fire and brimstone on Evildoers.

* * *

"Danzo, thank you for taking time out of your very busy schedule for this appointment. I promise it won't take long." Hiruzen let out a kindly chortle.

Danzo was not fooled in the slightest.

"Kind of hard not to clear up my schedule when you send three squads of Anbu to apprehend me…" Danzo muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Sarutobi feigned ignorance.

"… Nothing. "Danzo twitched. "So what can I do for you, Lord Hokage…?"

"It's very simple, really." Hiruzen interlaced his fingers in front of his beardless face. "A little bird tells me that there have been sightings of Anbu with Kanji written on their porcelain masks. Anbu that I did not commission for fieldwork. Do you have anything to tell me about this illegal faction of Anbu?"

Danzo twitched again. There was no way for him to politically bullshit his way out of this one. Hiruzen had made it very clear from day one that even though he was the Anbu Captain, it was _Hiruzen_ who commissioned new recruits. Danzo was more of an… overseer. He could make suggestions to his superior, but in the end, Danzo was limited to managing Anbu already approved by the Hokage.

And like a fool, Danzo had called his old friend's bluff. He really should have known better.

"They are… my personal bodyguards." Well, so much for not trying to politically bullshit his way out of this.

"Bodyguards that _just so happened_ to be in the Land of Earth, assassinating a high member of the Earth Daimyo's court? On an S-Rank mission that I _know_ I rejected?"

Oh shit. He knew that, too.

"Um… The tree that is the Hidden Leaf cannot stand without strong Roots?" Danzo tried.

He knew he was fucked when Hiruzen let out another kindly amused chuckle. Hiruzen was in one of _those_ moods. Pretty soon Danzo was forced to disband his fledgling Root. And be under a decade-long house arrest. Oh, and can't forget the scars left behind for even _trying_ to go against the Hokage's will.

Those bandages around his right eye and right arm weren't just for show.

* * *

"Orochimaru."

Orochimaru practically leaped out of his skin as he whipped around to face his kind Sensei who had become more of a father figure to him, really. Sure, he knew not to underestimate the man just because he seemed so affectionate and doting all the time, but Orochimaru really, really hadn't expected to be found out so soon.

Seriously. Just the other day he'd set up this new laboratory and planned out his first very slightly unethical experiment. Did the man see and know all? Oh, wait… That crystal ball. Of course.

"S-Sensei." Orochimaru bowed in greeting. "Wh-What are you doing here?"

Ignoring him for a moment, Hiruzen idly walked over to a table that had a series of beakers and test tubes. He picked up one of the glass instruments and fingered it gently.

"You know, when I gave you your first toy science kit, I never imagined you'd progress to this point. I mean, your eyes lit up, you possessed a genuine curiosity to know things… I'd really thought I had set you on the right path. There was just so much potential in your eyes…

Orochimaru did not know why he began to perspire. Nor why he audibly gulped. Sensei wasn't being very threatening… Whoops. There it is. That subtle Killing Intent that he'd heard whispers about. Now he knew he was screwed.

"… And then you throw it all away." Hiruzen harrumphed and gestured at the hissing and spitting cat strewn out on the nearby operating table. "Experimenting on the Daimyo's wife's cat. Truly, Orochimaru?"

Orochimaru's eyes were wide as saucer plates now as he tried to defend himself.

"But… But… But Sensei, the beast is clearly feral! I just wanted to analyze it, scientifically!" And find out whether it could reproduce or not. Because if it could, Orochimaru had _planned_ to neuter or spay it, depending on the gender it was. The Daimyo's wife certainly didn't know.

It would have saved a lot of grief for future Genin teams.

"That's nice, Orochimaru, but it stops here." Hiruzen told his student in no uncertain terms. "You see, I'm not angry about the cat. I'm angry about what might come next if I let you continue down this path. Eventually you might experiment on our own people, and I can't let that happen."

Even Orochimaru looked repulsed at the very suggestion.

"I… I would never do such a thing, Sensei!" Even he was not that unethical. Yet.

Hiruzen shook his head.

"No, you never will. Because from now on you are going to be my secretary, and you will have _no time_ for scientific pursuits." He held his hand up when Orochimaru opened his mouth. "It _starts_ with a cat. It would not take long for you to progress to humans. Even babies. Your thirst to know all Jutsu would put you in such a position. Eventually."

Orochimaru held up a pointer finger in protest, but he couldn't really come up with a coherent rebuttal.

"Buh… Buh… Buh…"

Hiruzen set the glass instrument down and walked toward the only door to the room.

"You start tomorrow morning at oh-seven-hundred hours. I expect you to use today to donate this equipment and to apologize to the Daimyo's wife, who is very wounded you would kidnap her cat…"

"Buh… Buh… Buh…"

* * *

Hiruzen dipped his head solemnly as Team Minato returned to the village with one member missing. Obito-kun had been such a promising shinobi, he would truly be missed…

"So in the end, despite some complications, we did manage to destroy Kannabi Bridge. Obito gave Kakashi his Sharingan. Rin performed the surgery. The two of them were nearly overwhelmed by Stone-nin, but I managed to use my Hiraishin to get to them in time… Only thing unresolved was that we couldn't find Obito's remains. Nothing under all those rocks and boulders."

… but then again…

"Pardon? I don't believe I heard you correctly."

"We couldn't find Obito's body," Minato ran a hand through his hair somewhat embarrassingly. "Not even Kakashi's Ninken…"

Hiruzen's eyes hardened ever-so-slightly.

"Minato, you should know better. If you couldn't find the body, someone obviously stole it. And given who you all were fighting against, who do you think are the most likely perpetrators?" He continued even when Minato adopted a pained expression. He'd been really stupid, and he knew it. "If Obito-kun's remaining Sharingan survived that cave-in, they will use it against us. And even if it hadn't, Obito-kun's body would be a treasure trove for the Hidden Stone. They would have an idea of what weaknesses or strengths our Uchiha have."

"What do you suggest we do, sir?" Minato's face was resigned.

"I will find Obito-kun." Hiruzen told him plainly. " _You_ will file a mission report with Orochimaru, and depending on where I find Obito-kun, you may or may not be punished."

Minato nodded sadly and left the Hokage's Office without asking just how Hiruzen would find him. Hiruzen snorted breezily through his nose in irritation and pulled out his crystal ball. With it, he should at least be able to glean the location of Obito-kun's Sharingan, which would still be active.

When the crystal ball showed an ancient man hovering over a bandaged-up Obito-kun, Hiruzen instinctively called for his Anbu. Hiruzen would not be relying on anyone to retrieve the poor boy; he would be doing it himself. But he _would_ be bringing backup in the form of, oh, a dozen squads of Anbu…

* * *

Madara Uchiha twitched as the huge boulder covering up the entrance to the cave was utterly disintegrated. More or less. Zetsu had, of course, informed him of the approaching force of shinobi, but really, there was nothing to be done. Even if Zetsu slowed them down by confusing them with his Clones infiltrating the party, Madara wasn't in any shape to leave the cavern, and neither was Obito. So Madara accepted that he would be confronted.

He would not accept these Leaf brats stealing back _his_ brat. Madara _needed_ a successor to guide young Nagato.

"Hiruzen. So I see Tobirama got around to training you." Madara rasped at the Third Hokage, who was decked out in his battle armor and wielding his Adamantine Staff. Only Tobirama would churn out a militaristic successor…

"Madara Uchiha. I cannot believe you have survived this long." Hiruzen huffed and made a show of slamming an end of his staff on the stone floor. "Still... You will die here. You are decrepit and your army of plant men is systematically being taken out. We are taking Obito."

Madara hissed and was about to will the Gedo Mazo into attacking, but Hiruzen merely made the Adamantine Staff (which was of course Monkey King Enma under a Transformation) extend all the way to Madara, who was sitting on his throne, and shoved him through the throne and into statue. Then Hiruzen began slamming the extended Adamantine Staff onto Madara. Over. And over. And over again.

And extended longevity because of the Gedo Mazo or no, Madara could feel his brittle bones cracking and his inner organs being flattened. Moments later Madara was dead from the brutal beating, despite still being connected to the Gedo Statue.

Three Anbu shot over to where Obito was still sitting up in his bed, dazed at the sudden appearance of the Hokage and his entourage. A few White Zetsu Clones tried to get in their way, but they were cut down without even thinking about it. Hey, these guys were Anbu, and White Zetsu weren't combat specialists. At all.

Black Zetsu, who knew when a plan had backfired, managed to sneak out without being detected. The Third Hokage would either destroy the Gedo Statue or he would keep it to use as a weapon. Black Zetsu _hoped_ he would do the latter, but his hopes were kind of dashed when the mother of all explosions rocked the cavern and reduced the Gedo Statue to little more than rubble.

… So yeah. Now Black Zetsu had to think of how to create a new container to bring about Mother's resurrection. 'Cause without something to put all the Tailed Beasts in, the Ten-Tails couldn't be resurrected. Without the Ten-Tails, no one could be its Jinchuriki. And without a suitable host, Mother could not be brought back.

Understandably, Black Zetsu was very, very pissed.

"L-Lord Third!" Obito cried out, completely unaware of the very pissed ancient being that was getting away. "H-How'd you find me?! I thought I'd have to listen to that old fart for eternity!"

Hiruzen chuckled kindly and used hand signs to order his Anbu to carry Obito home.

"Obito-kun, a ninja never reveals his secrets. Now, let's get you home and examined. Your team will be very happy to see you."

Indeed, upon returning home there was much rejoicing.

* * *

"But Lord Third, wouldn't it be safer to take Kushina out of the village and deliver Naruto there? If the Nine-Tails gets out…" Minato trailed off uncertainly.

Hiruzen smiled disarmingly at his successor.

"I assure you, I will handle everything. The Hokage's Office will be just fine. You just comfort Kushina-chan and hold her hand. This way, we make any enemy attacks less likely to happen. We don't want them distracting us at this crucial time."

"You really think a Missing-Nin would try something at this point?" Minato asked skeptically.

"After finding Madara Uchiha lived to be an old fossil? Nothing would surprise me anymore." Hiruzen grumbled.

* * *

" **You… Just how did** _ **you**_ **get in here?!** " The Nine-Tails snarled at Hiruzen, whose consciousness did indeed appear in Kushina's mindscape, with a little help from Inoichi.

"A ninja never reveals his secrets." Hiruzen chuckled. Then his eyes hardened. "Now… we're not going to have any trouble here, are we?"

The Nine-Tails snorted derisively.

" **When I get out of here, you'll be first. Then your pathetic fleshbag family… and then your pathetically pathetic village.** " The Nine-Tails smirked maliciously.

Bad move, Nine-Tails. Very bad move.

Hiruzen was quiet for a long time, but when he spoke next, it was with some false levity.

"I happen to be able to summon the Shinigami himself. Admittedly at the cost of my own soul. Tell me, do you think an old man like me fears giving up his life if it meant that I would take you with me?"

The Nine-Tails narrowed his eyes at Hiruzen.

" **You wouldn't dare.** "

"Try me." Hiruzen challenged.

The Nine-Tails growled, but he did stop resisting even with the weakened seal. And that was the day… Hiruzen really earned his title 'Kami of Shinobi'. Because not even the mightiest of Tailed Beasts intimidated him. Rather, it was the other way around… and wasn't that just terrifying?

* * *

"Old Man, Old Man! I got my headband today!" Naruto Namikaze called out affectionately to the man he had come to know as 'Grandpa'. Hiruzen chuckled lightly; Naruto would often run into the Sarutobi Clan Compound without any sense of formality. He had instructed the guards at the gate that Naruto was a… special case. So Naruto was allowed, despite how informal the visits were from the young blond.

"That's very nice, Naruto-kun," Sarutobi patted the boy on the head and resumed looking at the Shogi board before him. His former 'rival' sitting across from him. "And whose team will you be on?"

"Um… Well, Obito's gonna be my Sensei," Naruto rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "I don't really know the other two. One o' Sasuke's cousins and… I think a guy called Sai."

Hiruzen nodded in understanding. It wasn't really Naruto's fault that he didn't know his teammates. If what he heard from Minato was true, Naruto graduated on his first try – which is to say, a full year ahead of the class he should have stayed with. Under normal circumstances you could try to graduate early by a year, though there was the 'three strikes and you're out' facet to consider; most kids never succeeded, so Minato thought the failure might teach his son humility.

Boy, was he wrong.

"Well, at least you'll learn a lot from Obito-kun, Naruto," Hiruzen smiled at the boy. Then in a slightly harsher tone, he barked, "Orochimaru! Go fetch Naruto his graduation present!"

Orochimaru, who was never too far away from Hiruzen, scooted off to comply with his Sensei's order. When Minato became Hokage, Orochimaru hoped he would have a kinder… 'master' that would allow him some freedom. Just enough to get away from the accursed paperwork, really.

Nope. He went from secretary to butler for a retired Hokage.

"Why're you like that with Orochimaru all the time, Old Man?" Naruto asked with a tilt of his head. "Did he do something bad?"

Hiruzen laughed lightly.

"A little, once upon a time. This is more to keep him on the right path. He would have become something much worse without my guidance."

Danzo, still heavily bandaged on the right side of his body, muttered to himself.

"You mean without subjugating him…"

Hiruzen tilted his head a little at Danzo's remark.

"What was that, old friend…?"

Danzo twitched his visible eye.

"Nothing. Nothing at all."

In the end, there was still other villages to worry about, but thanks to Hiruzen Sarutobi, there were no problems within the Hidden Leaf. **None**.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Kind of a weak ending, but I really didn't know how to just… stop. lol Let's just say last night I had a huge, HUGE spurt of inspiration for Anti-Quirks, and this was one of the ideas that arose to the forefront. An unmerciful Hiruzen (at least for the most part).**

 **Other people I got inspiration for last night: Tsunade, Jiraiya, Hinata (just a little, compared to the rest), Konan, Obito, Kakashi, Rin, Minato, and Kushina. Not necessarily in that order – although Tsunade MIGHT be next. 'Cause there's a little scene rolling around in my head. Kakashi and Minato kinda have interesting scenarios, too. XD**

 **Still, this'll probably be the last of the crackfic stuff for a bit. I really need to devote my time and energy to TToNU's Chunin Exams… Mainly the first one, 'cause I wanna make it somewhat unique. The writing for it is just so slow, and amusing stuff like this just creeps into my brain in the interim. :P Bad muse. Bad.**


	7. Ino

**Drabble Seven: I** _ **Could**_ **Fall for Him**

Kakashi had just returned with Naruto in tow, and all the villagers were assembled to thank him for it. As Naruto shared a heartfelt moment with the teammate that _hadn't_ run away to be with a renowned pedophile, everyone looked on with pride. Team Ten took the time for some brief reflection on all that had occurred.

"I still can't believe he beat 'em all by himself…" Shikamaru muttered with his arm draped around Choji for support. Choji nodded in agreement with a smile on his face.

"Mm-hm."

"Y'know, I could almost fall for him," Ino sighed dreamily, causing her teammates to crane their heads at her like she had something completely absurd. Which she had. Ino didn't like goofballs like Naruto. Naruto wasn't her type of guy. Sure, he wasn't a bad looker, but it was all about the personality. Ino liked smoking hot, bishonen types with a limited vocabulary of 'Hn' and a personality that easily pissed everyone off. Y'know, the 'elite' types. Like Sasuke.

Still, they passed it off as Ino just being caught up in the moment. Most of them had recently died and been brought back to life; and even for those who hadn't, it was understandable that their brains might be frazzled after fighting an opponent as vexing as Pain. She didn't really mean that.

For the most part, Ino's declaration had gone unnoticed by the people of the Leaf Village at large. They were too caught up in watching Sakura give Naruto a nice hug. But a certain Hyuga heiress did, in fact, happen to overhear Ino's words, didn't matter to her if Ino made it half-heartedly or not. Ino might as well have declared war, because Hinata only recently plucked up the courage to confess to Naruto-kun.

Okay, sure, it was in the midst of battle, but he wouldn't forget she did that. Even someone as flighty as Naruto-kun didn't have the memory of a braindead gnat. Hinata's courageous confession had been followed by Pain brutally injuring her – nearly fatally. Naruto had gone Eight-Tails on Pain's ass after witnessing that.

He wouldn't just forget about her. Once everything cooled down, Naruto-kun would come seek her out, reciprocate her feelings, then they would kiss and have a makeout, and then Naruto-kun would take off his pants…

Oh dear. Where had that come from?

* * *

A few weeks later found Ino Yamanaka rather morosely walking down a recently reconstructed street with shops and vendors. The Hidden Leaf was still rebuilding, and that wasn't what had Ino all depressed. It was Sasuke-kun. He had apparently attacked and kidnapped the Raikage's younger brother, and the Hidden Leaf was forced to truly acknowledge him as a Missing-Nin. Now they would have to actively hunt and put him down.

Ino wasn't an idiot. Hell, she was the daughter of the Yamanaka Clan Head. She was extremely adept at perceiving people and their emotions, and she was able to tell that way back in the Academy when Sasuke-kun lost his family, he had changed dramatically. Sadly, she was also a little girl at the time. That tragic, angsty background made Sasuke-kun very desirable amongst the kunoichi-hopefuls.

As she became a Genin and observed from afar the dysfunctional Team Seven fall apart in the months they'd been together, Ino couldn't help but hope that there'd be some kind of turnaround, that things wouldn't come to a head. But of course they had. Sasuke-kun was under the influence of the Curse Mark, and that made him even more 'out-of-character', so to speak. What that really meant was that the Curse Mark was drawing out Sasuke-kun's really bad emotions like anger, bitterness, and impatience. Ino knew this because she heard from her Daddy that was exactly what happened to Anko before she began to get a handle on her Curse Mark. So of course Sasuke-kun did something crazy like abandon the village for a pedophile that wanted his body.

But even after all that, after Orochimaru utterly failed to take over Sasuke-kun's body, after Sasuke-kun had apparently carried out his revenge at long last, Ino held out some hope that maybe, just maybe Sasuke-kun would come to his senses and return home. He hadn't, of course, and him joining up with Akatsuki proved that quite spectacularly.

Still, Ino was a Yamanaka. She wasn't oblivious to the person Sasuke-kun had shamelessly become. She might've held out a tiny hope that a miracle would happen, but that's all it would have been. A miracle. Ino admitted it – she wasn't 'devoted' like Sakura. Sakura, too, acknowledged that Sasuke-kun had changed, but she still clung to the microscopic hope that she could _change him back_. As a Yamanaka, Ino had to confess that there was a low likelihood of that ever happening, even with Sakura and Naruto's combined tenacity. How did you 'save' someone that didn't want to be saved? Sasuke-kun was an avenger at heart. He might be easily influenced if you pushed the right buttons and got to him first, but emotionally it was hard to run damage control. They would be hard-pressed to 'talk sense' into someone with as many issues as Sasuke-kun did. The moment Sasuke-kun started down the path of revenge, it was basically for life.

Ino knew all this. Many Yamanaka could basically be therapists with the amount of empathy they had because of their Clan's Jutsu, and now with an incident like this, Ino had to give up even that microscopic hope that Sasuke-kun would return. He wouldn't be coming back, and even if he did, it wouldn't be for a group hug. Hell, he wouldn't even apologize at this point. Sasuke-kun might as well have been the reincarnation of Madara Uchiha. Or something.

So Ino was left to mull over her options for a future husband… er, boyfriend. It wasn't like she was deficient in fanboys or good looks. She could probably charm the pants of any guy without hardly trying. But Ino wasn't a slut. She didn't want to just close her eyes and throw a dart at a dartboard. She would _prefer_ that any relationship she developed with a man would be deep and meaningful.

Of all people, Sai would probably be her first option. He was basically a clone of Sasuke-kun, just with a different haircut and complexion. Thing was, though, that Sai was a part of a secret Anbu faction that their latest Hokage was apparently in charge of. He was trying his best to study up on normal human behavior, but he still had miles and miles and miles to go before he was anywhere _near_ normality.

Plus, he called her 'beautiful', and Ino wasn't sure that he meant it. She put up a charmed front back at Yakiniku Q's for her friends' sake, but again, Ino was a Yamanaka, and they'd been talking about Sai's nicknaming habits at the time. The fact that he gave derisive nicknames to Sakura, Naruto, and (almost) Choji, but gave her a 'flattering' one was highly suspicious. Like he tried applying the opposite of what he thought of her.

So Sai was out, but mostly because of the struggle she would face with trying to help him be normal. Ino might like the occasional challenge, but Sai was a basket case. Seriously. Who else did she know relatively well that she could try to go out with? Choji? He was a nice guy, but Ino had never been too fond of how much he ate. Shikamaru? He was a lazy bum, and he probably had something going on with that chick from the Hidden Sand. Even though she hadn't been around in a while. Plus there was the fact that Shikamaru and Choji were her _teammates_ , and were in fact a part of Clans that had an unshakeable alliance with the Yamanaka Clan. So it would basically be like dating distant brothers, and Ino just didn't want to deal with all the political crap that would inevitably develop with trying to date either of them.

Shino? … Try repeating that with a straight face. Kiba? He was a lot of bark, and maybe a lot of bite, but mostly bark. Lee? Ino shivered at the thought. Those bushy brows and that form-fitting jumpsuit. No, Ino had no interest in _that_ , especially if he tried to make her wear a similar outfit. Neji? He seemed to be too obsessed with duty to the village and the Hyuga Clan. That guy was decades away from being date-able. Plus, that Tenten chick would probably get all huffy. Or maybe she actually like Lee. Ino didn't know or particularly care. She might've been used to fighting for her man, but Lee and Neji were too… unsavory for very different reasons.

Ino could try seeking out some random civilian guy, but Ino didn't want to deal with the tension that would inevitably rise between a kunoichi and a civvie who just wouldn't understand the shinobi lifestyle. The fact that Sakura was born to civilian parents and she grew to be a fierce kunoichi was a spectacular miracle.

There were always options outside the village, but then there'd be more political crap… this time related to who would be moving to whose village should they ever tie the knot. Shikamaru, if he was indeed involved with that one Hidden Sand chick, was a lot braver than he let on. And then there'd inevitably be clashing village beliefs because someone from the Hidden Mist wouldn't just believe in the Will of Fire with a snap of the fingers. And that would be just one example.

Overall, Ino didn't have as many options as she initially thought. And that depressed her even further. What did she have to do to get hooked up with a guy? Ino got the distinct impression that she was purposefully neglecting an option, one that was unorthodox and one she would really, really have to work for.

And when it hit her like a ton of bricks, Ino stopped in her tracks as a blissful smile came to her face. Sakura wouldn't give the time of day, and her only competition would be a meek Hyuga heiress who hadn't even hung out with the blond that much. Did he even know she existed? Well, Ino supposed that was a bit mean, considering that he definitely did, but with how oblivious the blond could be in many things, he probably didn't have an inkling of Hinata's true feeling.

And that made Ino feel slightly guilty, but hey. Naruto was fair game, and maybe if things didn't pan out between her and Naruto, her forwardness would finally prompt Hinata to get with the knucklehead. But Ino had no intention of going into this half-heartedly. If Hinata wanted a chance, she would have to fight back. Hopefully the fireworks wouldn't be as painful as they were between her and Sakura, 'cause Ino regretted getting into that with Sakura all those years ago. Ino vowed to herself to be… nicer about it. But still play it forward enough to the point that even Naruto would acknowledge, hey, maybe this hot kunoichi has a thing for him.

Maybe she _could_ fall for a guy like Naruto. Time for some light research!

* * *

Turns out Naruto wasn't in the village very much in the coming weeks. Neither was Ino for that matter, but then, every able and willing shinobi was needed in this trying time. There was that Kage Summit where they lost their Sixth Hokage before he could even settle into his role, a reunion between all the members of Team Seven that basically boiled down to Naruto and Sasuke promising to meet each other in the thick of battle, and oh, that's right, the Fourth Shinobi World War was declared.

And Sakura apparently made a confession of love to Naruto that was _so_ obviously fake. She even knocked out Sai, Lee, and Kiba, who she had brought along as backup. _Clearly_ she still had the hots for Sasuke-kun. How obsessive could you get?

… Not that Ino was one to talk, but she preferred to not think of her latest 'mission' as some sort of obsession. During the little intervals of time she was in the village, Ino simply used that time to use what means she had available to her to learn more about her latest target of affection. A little known fact was that the guy liked to garden, even if it wasn't a full-blown hobby of his. If that wasn't enough of a similarity between them – hey, her family ran a legitimate flower shop, so she knew a thing or two about gardening, okay? – there was also the fact that Naruto's unorthodox way of fighting more often than not had a way of influencing his opponents to strive to live a better way of life. It was a Therapy Jutsu, if you will.

There were exceptions, like a few members of Akatsuki (and **Sasuke-kun** ), but just look at what Naruto did when faced with the damn leader of the Akatsuki. Naruto beat all those weird corpses and then went to confront the mastermind. The village was devastated and a lot of people were dead, but he _somehow_ convinced the guy who instigated it all to bring the dead back to life. If that wasn't therapy, Ino didn't know what was.

Ino already knew the guy had a big heart for his friends, his makeshift family. Discovering he was their village's Jinchuriki… Well, if hearing about and seeing firsthand the kind of treatment Naruto suffered before proving himself wasn't enough to melt your heart and cuddle the blond, Ino didn't know what was.

On the downside, Naruto had a fixation on ramen, he was an orange traffic cone of a shinobi, he hadn't really improved in the area of book smarts, and he was utterly hopeless in the romance department. Well, okay, that last one was just assumed, but based off the fact that Naruto kept asking Sakura for dates in the Academy, Ino guessed that because of the few connections he had, the blond seriously lacked experience in romance, let alone friendship. At least he had improved in terms of friendship, but he was utterly clueless when it came to romance, Ino would bet her life on that.

Ino just didn't know how right she was.

* * *

"Hi, Naruto! Wanna get some ramen with me?"

"Sure, okay!"

All throughout their 'date', Ino's probing into Naruto's likes, dislikes, dreams for the future beyond being Hokage, it all ended in vain. Mostly because the talk kept coming back to _ramen_ , and how Ichiraku's was the best in the world.

Ino had only succeeded in getting a heated glare from Hinata for her trouble.

* * *

"Hey, Naruto, do ya mind if I walk around with you for a bit?"

"Sure!"

This time Ino told Naruto all about herself. He listened, which was a good sign, but the moment she was done talking about her ambitions and whatnot, Naruto got into an 'inspirational' friendship speech that boiled down to beating the shit out of Sasuke and dragging him back to the village. Nothing had changed there, despite their last confrontation. Ino complimented Naruto's tenacity, claiming that if anyone could do it, it would be Naruto. And in a way, she genuinely thought that.

But this was Sasuke they were talking about, and Ino still harbored doubts about whether he could change.

Ino got the sense that she still wasn't getting through Naruto's thick skull. Their walk still felt like they were doing it as good friends by the end. She could sense Hinata stalking them, however, and could still tell she was glaring daggers at her back.

* * *

It was highly irresponsible, but while the Fourth War was going full tilt and everyone was on the battlefield, Ino had her Daddy connect her to Naruto mentally the moment she caught wind he was moving out to the battlefields, out of his little hideaway with the Eight-Tails' Jinchuriki in tow.

Their chat was brief because Daddy quickly caught on she was abusing the system. But at least she learned that Naruto basically beat the Nine-Tails even after releasing the Seal, and now he had command of its Chakra. Ino had to admire his mental prowess for sure.

* * *

The one time Ino made any _real_ progress at getting through Naruto's thick skull was when she wound up underneath Sasuke-kun's Susano'o with Team Seven when the Infinite Tsukuyomi was initiated and everyone got yoked to an ancient tree. Sasuke-kun was annoyed at first that he was stuck with "the people he hated the most" – particularly her and Sakura, who had been his biggest fangirls. Yet Ino made it very clear she was over his emo ass.

And she proved it when she connected Naruto and Sasuke's minds at Naruto's behest. They seemed to be locked in a battle of wits for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long, long time. Honestly, Ino was scared she broke them and what Sakura would probably do to her for breaking Sasuke-kun, but eventually they did seem to come to a consensus.

Apparently, their most inner thoughts were revealed to one another, and now Sasuke-kun was just going to give up the secret revolution he had been plotting after defeating Madara. Not because Naruto had changed his whole worldview, but because Naruto had talked his ear off with a 'friendship' speech. Sasuke shamelessly admitted he wouldn't mind bathing in Naruto's valuable lifeblood after the Hell he had just experienced – Sasuke-kun muttered he didn't know the word 'friendship' could be repeated so much – but he didn't want to risk setting Naruto off. Again. Ever.

Naruto thanked her a bunch for helping him sort that out. And Ino could tell that there was a slightly different look in his eye from then on. It wasn't anything approaching romance quite yet, but Ino was making progress. She had definitely fallen for him at this point, and she was working hard to make that feeling mutual.

Wouldn't Hinata be pissed when this was all over?

* * *

 **Author's Note: Really introspective, and I was really borderline crackfic with this in some aspects… But it was fun, and I hope you enjoyed it a little. I list all those characters, and I end up going with someone completely different. lol**

 **Do I honestly think Naruto and Ino would work out as a couple? Eh. I personally outlined my thoughts on their similarities, what** _ **could**_ **make them click, and I dunno if they would or not. If I'm completely honest, I'm not a hundred percent devoted heart and soul to NaruHina. It happened in canon, and I'm happy for them. I still don't like how Kishimoto worked with it (saving all the big-time development between them for one movie), let alone some of the other pairings that ended up happening. Not because I'm a passionate shipper (I'm reeeally not), but because some of those pairs just came out of left field, while others were lucky to be 'well, I can see it if I squint…'**

 **I** _ **guess**_ **you could argue NaruHina was a long time in coming, but you could** _ **also**_ **argue that it was very open-ended because of Naruto's character. My point is, don't bash someone over this stuff. You like a certain pairing and probably don't want others to challenge you over it, so don't get snippy with someone else's favorite pairing, no matter how 'illogical' it is to you or who knows how many others.**

 **Me? I'm open-minded about** _ **most**_ **pairings (even I have a few that I don't particularly** _ **like**_ **). Heck, I don't like yaoi/yuri pairings. That's just me. But instead of actively going and reviewing fanfics with my disapproval of such pairings, I tend to steer clear of them. In some cases I can't when I like a particular plot (The Somewhat Cracked Mind of Uchiha Itachi), but in those cases I ignore those bits. I like everything else about that fic, so I find that relatively easy.**

 **Well, that's enough of a rant from me. I just wanted to prevent any derogatory pairings comments from being made, if possible. But that's entirely your guys' opinions, so I will respect them to the best of my ability. Just don't expect a reply if you do make a comment about, "But I don't like NaruIno." I repeat that this is a crackfic, so I'll do as I please just as much as you'll do as you please. Free speech and all that, so make those comments if you want. :P**


	8. Danzo

**Prompt Eight: So, have Ya been Swimmin' Lately?**

"Hiruzen, tomorrow you will be the Third Hokage of the Hidden Leaf. Take care of everyone."

The six students of Tobirama Senju were solemn at this announcement, each having their own internal reflections on it. In many universes, Hiruzen's bitter rival Danzo Shimura was exceedingly jealous at Hiruzen figuratively going on ahead of him and gaining the title of Hokage. Yet it must be said that this is not the case in every universe. Obviously.

No, in a very rare few universes, years of camaraderie and friendship prevent Danzo from feeling anything negative at all about this development. As hard as it may seem to believe, Danzo acknowledges his faults in some universes. In this one, his strong-as-ever friendship with good ol' Hiruzen will have a unique effect on Danzo's personality and future actions.

But boy… historians will wonder how the _hell_ Danzo turned out like _this_.

* * *

"Hiruzen! Good to see you, old friend. Have you been swimming lately?" Danzo gave a wide, toothy grin and clapped his hands a few times jollily. Even though it had only been a week, Danzo acted like it had been months or years since he'd seen his Hokage last. The First Shinobi World was still in full swing, and needless to say Hiruzen had been utterly swamped in duties ranging from paperwork to being out on the frontlines.

Being Hokage was not for the weary. Already Hiruzen was seeing gray hairs.

"No, I'm afraid there hasn't been time, Danzo." Hiruzen sighed breezily and rolled his eyes at the bizarre question. "Listen, I need a new Anbu Commander because the last one died on a suicide mission, and I think I can trust you to lead our elite."

The fact that the 'mission' had been to moon the Tsuchikage purely because the Commander had been an annoying, patronizing little shit was irrelevant.

"Now Hiruzen…" Danzo trailed off, and suddenly a tense, heavy silence was between the two. All Danzo did was stare at Hiruzen with a smirk on his face. He stared, and stared, and stared. After a while Hiruzen thought that time had frozen or that his friend had become paralyzed somehow.

The room temperature even rose 5.7 degrees.

"… I've changed my mind, you don't need to…"

"Hiruzen, please! Do I look like a selfish man?" Danzo clapped his hands once and went back to grinning toothily. "Heck, if somebody asked me they needed to borrow five hundred ryo, I'd give it to them, no problem. Sure! I'll take over as Anbu Commander."

Hiruzen released a breath of relief that he didn't know he'd been holding.

"Oh thank Kami, that's a relief. I didn't know who else to turn to and…"

"No trouble, my friend, no trouble at all!" Danzo laughed jollily and clapped. Loudly. "You just let me handle everything."

* * *

Typically, when someone is drafted into the Anbu, you can only serve a maximum of ten years, and even then that's very rare because if you're determined to be psychologically troubled, you're booted out into the regular shinobi forces again. Not-so-little-anymore Kakashi Hatake learned that the hard way. There are exceptions to the rule, of course – such as during a war, and a certain capable Anbu Commander is needed. Said Commander would probably last through the war, and then take care of the cool down period between wars.

Jolly old Danzo Shimura had been Anbu Commander for decades by the time Kakashi was drafted by Minato. Despite some eccentricities that the Yamanaka Clan Head was unable to explain, Danzo always came up clean when he was mentally evaluated every few years or so. The process was totally randomized so as to capture Danzo unawares, but he always. came. up. clean.

The strangest part? Danzo hadn't taken a section of the Anbu and made an extraneous group bent on taking the Hidden Leaf's turned-away missions. The ones that needed to be taken but could not be attributed to the Hidden Leaf. Danzo actually stayed within the perimeters of the law and kept _all_ Anbu, the elitest of the elite, shipshape. He was the Right Hand of the Kami of Shinobi. The second most powerful man in the village, though perhaps third most powerful now that Minato had risen to infamy with the other Great Nations.

In any case, the Anbu program was a well-oiled machine with Danzo at the helm. Though there were some… eccentricities as well.

"Is that a pipe organ?" Kakashi asked his Squad Captain as the team was running through a training exercise. He was new, so he was not intimately familiar with the program.

And indeed, a pipe organ could be heard playing. From the opposite end of the underground Anbu HQ. Kakashi's Squad Captain had chosen this end of the base for training for that very reason.

"Yeah. If you royally screw up, Danzo straps you down and makes you listen to this big ass organ that he purchased a long time ago. He makes you listen to it nonstop for three hours. We, uh… We're pretty motivated not to screw up."

Beaver had this ringing in his ears for two weeks straight after being punished like that. Falcon, Kakashi's Squad Captain, was pretty determined to avoid the same fate at all costs, even if he had to sometimes throw his minions under the bus. To err is human, to be caught doing so is to become deaf, as the saying goes.

Kakashi blinked owlishly and recoiled just a bit.

"But… if he is playing the organ that loudly, doesn't his hearing go, too?"

A contemplative silence was the reply initially, but moments later Falcon shrugged neutrally.

"Eh. It's not like the Commander listens to us these days anyway. Earplugs do reduce its effect on his ears, though."

… Kakashi resolved right then and there to be perfect in every way.

* * *

Sasuke looked at the old man before him in confusion. When the Hokage said that someone was interested in adopting him, Sasuke had thought it would be somebody on the young side. Somebody young and… relatively normal.

This old bandaged-up guy had been smirking and staring at him for five minutes straight. And he swore the temperature in the room had risen 5.7 degrees since he came in here. Aside from the occasional blink on the old man's part, Sasuke was under the impression time had frozen and he'd be stuck here forever.

And then before he knew it, the tense silence was over.

"So! Sasuke, my boy! Your brother massacred your Clan. Such a tragedy, rest assured I have my Anbu hunting him down as we speak. He won't get far."

"You'll… You'll keep my Big Brother alive, won't you? I don't believe that he massacred the Clan. When I saw him leaving the Compound, he looked so scared. But not of me or what he'd done… He looked scared of something else, and I wanna know what!"

"Sorry, Sasuke, but there's a longstanding protocol to follow with Missing-Nin like your brother, with serial killers like him. Why, if we don't put him down, who knows what village secrets he'll divulge later on?"

Like being blackmailed by the Anbu Commander to massacre the Uchiha Clan. Negotiations with the Hokage and the Council had actually gone extremely well, and the coup d'état seriously looked like it would be called off. But if the Uchiha were gone, the Anbu could be the police force of the village, which meant that Danzo held just that little bit more power over everyone that wasn't Hiruzen, Homura, or Koharu.

Hey, Danzo might have been a changed man, but in his old age, power looked more and more appealing by the day. There were just some lines he wouldn't personally cross… like murdering and supplanting the Hokage. Danzo would never do that to his old friend.

"No! Itachi didn't do it! Or… Or if he did, he was _forced_ to do it! I'll track him down and find out the truth someday!"

"Now, Sasuke, let's not make promises we can't keep, hmm? Be a good boy and come with me so we can sign your adoption papers."

"I'm not letting a creepy pedophile adopt me! Go way!"

Oh dear. Sasuke was being rather difficult, wasn't he? Well, no matter. He could simply make the boy agree to adoption with Shisui's Mangekyo Sharingan, but… Hiruzen might grow suspicious. Best to just back off for the time being and wait for the opportune moment to swoop in and mold the boy to his liking.

Sasuke-kun would come around, and he would see that he was _not_ a pedophile, thank you very much.

* * *

"Teams are as follows… Team Seven: Hinata Hyuga, Naruto Uzumaki, and Ino Yamanaka. Team Eight: Shino Aburame, Kiba Inuzuka, and Sai. Team Nine is still in rotation. Team Ten: Choji Akimichi, Sakura Haruno, and Shikamaru Nara."

There were two distinct moans after the teams were read aloud, and Sakura raised her hand afterward.

"Sensei! What about Sasuke-kun? He graduated, too!"

Iruka smiled wryly.

"Yes, well… A venerable elder has shown interest in teaching Sasuke personally, and Lord Hokage allowed it. Sasuke will be an apprentice to Danzo Shimura."

"NOOOOOOO!" Sasuke groaned and slammed his head on his desk. That man just wouldn't leave well enough alone!

The fact that Danzo might have used Shisui's Mangekyo Sharingan to influence the Hokage to rearrange the teams is completely irrelevant. And we don't talk about the fact that the last child Danzo had shown a remote interest in had gone insane and abandoned the village to get away from his adoptive father. Orochimaru might not have a keen interest in learning every Jutsu, but he _did_ have the ambition of staying the hell away from the Hidden Leaf Village and _especially_ Danzo Shimura.

And to top things off… Danzo was still the Anbu Commander.

* * *

 **Author's Note: For those of you who don't recognize what I've done… Go look up Damon Gant – Google, Youtube, whatever. I'd personally recommend Youtubing him and seeing what you get. XD This Anti-Quirk hit me yesterday, and I just had to write it. Danzo with Damon Gant's character quirks is dreadfully amusing, and would you believe that it also gives the poor man a break, after all the crack-bashing I've done on him. XD**


	9. Konan

**Prompt Nine: Putting Her Foot Down**

Konan liked to think she was a patient person. She'd put up with an awful lot over the years – being an orphan who lived on the streets as a child, being taken in and trained by a man who happened to be from an enemy Hidden Village (who also happened to be a raging pervert), being forced to watch one of her best friends die (and then forced to watch her _other_ best friend gleefully slaughter their tormentors), and _then_ being forced to watch your best friend transform a peaceful organization into a group of warmongers. All in the name of "peace".

Yeah. Konan had been through a lot. And the hits just kept on coming, because clearly life had decided she hadn't suffered enough.

"Could you repeat that, Nagato…?"

Nagato made an irritated sighing sound before complying.

"I sense Jiraiya's presence in the village."

"And you want to do _what_?"

Nagato narrowed his eyes in frustration. What part of this was so hard to understand?

"I need you to go and seek him out. Keep him pinned long enough for my Animal Path to catch up with you, and then…"

Yup. This was the final straw. Konan could not be held responsible for her actions anymore. Life had been nothing but unfair to Konan, so now it was time to stand up as a kunoichi… and beat life down to get it to cooperate, repeatedly stomping it in the balls if necessary. And if 'life' and 'Nagato' got mixed up in there somewhere… Oh well. Accidents _do_ happen.

"Nagato, I have quietly stood by you for decades now." Konan spoke up in a deceptively calm tone, garnering a raised eyebrow from Nagato, but the kunoichi did not seem to care about that. "Battle after battle, we've always fought side by side. We've endured the same pain, the same torment… And up until now I've tolerated just how much you've changed since Yahiko's death. I've helped you seal _Tailed Beasts away_.

Nagato started to perspire, but he wasn't really sure why. This was Konan, his closest confidant. His hench-wench. … Right?

"I've waited so long for you to wake up and come to your senses…" Konan trailed off as she took a deep breath. "And now this comes up. I could probably tolerate it if it was some run-of-the-mill spy, some cannon fodder that the Hidden Leaf sent to attempt to gather information. But _this is Jiraiya-sensei_. You are asking me to kill Jiraiya. The man who took us in when he didn't have to, when people from our own nation wouldn't even _look_ at us, people who would rather chase us out of the market than let us have scraps of food to survive. He treated us like family, like his own children. The man taught us how to survive, taught _you_ so that you wouldn't frequently go on Rinne-Rampages. The man who was able to write a whole damn book because of your determination to find peace – _he even dedicated it to you_! Jiraiya-sensei gave us a _childhood_ to look back on fondly, in a time of _war_ no less."

Nagato was sweating buckets now. The tension was becoming palpable, and Konan was just getting angrier with every logical point she brought up.

And then the fool had to go sticking his foot in his mouth.

"B… But he abandoned us…" Nagato argued back in a quiet, fearful tone. He hadn't felt like this in ages.

Konan twitched, having heard his 'point' regardless of how quiet he said it.

"No, he determined that we were strong enough to take care of ourselves. There is a difference." Konan's eyes flashed like steel. "I will be the first to admit the man had his faults. Do you not remember the last thing he said to me? It _sounded_ innocent, sure, but Yahiko became a damn pervert because of him. And while he _could_ have stuck around more, he had a village to return to. If you expected him to become the bigger man and go rogue for our sake, then you could equally say that _we_ could have gone with _him_ to the Hidden Leaf, to make sure we stayed together. He was simply ensuring that no one had to break ties with their respective nations. Jiraiya-sensei believed we could make a difference, he believed _you_ were the Child of Prophecy. Nagato, does that sound like he abandoned us?"

Nagato had now gone reticent. Konan just kept heaping on the logic and making him feel terrible. Why? Why did she have to speak up now of all times? Three Tailed Beasts was all they needed. Three steps away from world peace. Okay, sure, they had been rather… cold ever since Yahiko had died. They'd associated with the scum of the nations. Severed all ties with the man they had once called 'Sensei', simply because he hadn't reached out to them in years either.

"Why…?" Nagato muttered weakly as he started rocking back and forth in his specially-made chair. If he could be in the fetal position, he would _so_ be doing that right about now. "I can't… he wasn't _there_ , Konan… And all this time… just _nothing_ … he hasn't checked up on us at all."

Konan sighed breezily before yanking the chair-thing along with her. She was hell-a strong when she wanted to be.

"Then let's go _ask_ him… I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation."

Nagato adopted a thousand-yard stare as he was forced along for the ride. He hadn't had to leave the tower in ages – oh, sure, he'd been planning to do so to go and fetch the Six-Tails himself, but then Konan had used _logic_ , and now he was utterly terrified. If he absolutely had to face Sensei, he wanted to do it through one of his Paths; at least that way he'd feel safe. Though that did kind of speak volumes of how perverse he had become, if he felt 'safer' talking to his Sensei through a corpse.

For once he felt as weak as he physically looked, and that was saying something.

* * *

Well, it'd gone about as well as one would expect. They'd caught up with Jiraiya just as he was en route to the tower, and boy was he surprised to see the pair of them. As the rain was still coming down on them, the three had agreed to take their chat to a nice restaurant that was cleared out by the manager just for them.

It went downhill from there, really. Nagato put his foot in his mouth again and started the shouting match between himself and his Sensei, demanding to know why Jiraiya had abandoned them. Jiraiya, of course, did not let that slide, and shouted back that he had heard tale of their deaths at the hands of Hanzo. What was he supposed to do after hearing that news? Even if he'd dropped everything _again_ , Hanzo had stepped up border patrols, and it would have been hell of a lot harder to get in there and confirm the rumors. Nagato was poleaxed at this bit of information, but obviously that wasn't enough for the redhead. He just had to call Jiraiya a filthy liar because he was such a 'spymaster'. Jiraiya of course loudly defended himself, and the discussion nearly devolved from there.

At that point Konan stepped in, forcing the grown men into silence by slapping layers of paper over their mouths. She gave each of them a pointed look before explaining the rules. No one got to talk unless it was a _civil_ discussion, and the paper would be staying on until it was their turn to talk. Konan, of course, was exempt from that particular rule, because she was the mediator.

Essentially, on further prying, they deduced that Jiraiya's toad had seen the wrecked cabin they'd once shared, and had assumed the worst when their bodies weren't present and when it had spotted gear that Hanzo's men used. Akatsuki had never returned there after it was invaded, and really, Hanzo wasn't notorious for his boundless mercy.

So Jiraiya could be forgiven that much, as far as Konan was concerned. Nagato was still surly about the 'great' Jiraiya making such a mistake… But Konan subsequently revealing every last detail of their exploits after Yahiko's death… That got him to change his tune.

Oh, Jiraiya-sensei was pissed. Nagato had taken all of his teachings, thrown them on the ground, and trampled on them. And Nagato couldn't even walk. But then he'd gone and one something that Konan and Nagato never thought he would do… Well, okay. Konan knew, because she's cool like that, but she humored Jiraiya-sensei and appeared shocked.

Jiraiya forgave them.

When asked why he would forgive two S-Ranked criminals, his official response was that he'd lost so much in his life and failed so many people that he didn't want to kill two of his remaining students. Unofficially, and this is completely off the record, but Jiraiya _also_ sheepishly admitted how Tsunade would bend him into a pretzel for killing off the kids she barely even knew but had still found charming.

They weren't on the level of, say, Naruto, but Tsunade had just been distraught and depressed when Jiraiya told her of their 'passing'. Wouldn't she be surprised to find out who was coming home for dinner?

… In a few days. Because travelling would be that much longer with Nagato's chair tromping down the roads. It'd also bring lots and lots of inquisitive stares…

* * *

"The eye transplants were a success, and you got fully functioning legs now." Tsunade beamed down at the abashed redhead.

Jiraiya-sensei had relayed all of the information of their misdeeds to Tsunade, and the busty blonde had chalked it up to the Rinnegan screwing with Nagato's head. She planned to medically examine them to confirm this hypothesis, but if Nagato's much calmer demeanor was any indication, her educated guess was mostly likely correct.

At this revelation, Konan had twitched and _demanded_ that Nagato get an eye surgery to have his eyes replaced. Kami knew she wasn't going to let him go back and run Akatsuki. Madara would just have to find some other gullible pawns.

The surgery did have the downside of Nagato losing a lot of his 'power', though. Not only had he been confined to that chair for so long that he was physically emaciated, but too many of his ninja skills were chalked up to the Rinnegan. They might as well have crippled him, but Konan still didn't care. As far as she was concerned, the risks were still too great. For once in decades, Nagato was listening to the voices of _reason_ , and Kami help _anyone_ who tried to mind-fuck him ever again.

Besides, it wasn't as if he couldn't get back into shape. They could return to the Hidden Rain and run it _after_ he'd gone through enough training to make himself worthy of being a village leader. The least Nagato could do for the Hidden Leaf was supply it with information on the remaining members of Akatsuki. There were three Tailed Beasts left, and now that she and Nagato had broken off from the group, _finally_ , all Akatsuki fittingly had left was three members. One of which wasn't even a fighter.

They were so screwed.

"Um… Not that I'm ungrateful, Lady Tsunade…" Nagato meekly spoke up. "But did you have to do the leg surgery without anesthetics? The pain made me black out a few times."

"Don't be silly, Nagato. I told you that hospital supplies are _very_ expensive. There were patients who were in far more need of it than you. Like the old lady who had fallen down and got a nasty bruise. The little boy who got a papercut."

Nagato wasn't an idiot… well, not _anymore_ … But he could tell when Lady Tsunade was being vindictive. And he couldn't blame her, really. He'd been targeting a boy who was arguably family to her, and had been on the verge of killing her longtime teammate and friend.

Thank Kami Konan opened his eyes in the nick of time. Did she have to look as gleeful as Lady Tsunade, though? Did his pain instill pleasure in them?

… On second thought, he didn't want to know. At least now Jiraiya-sensei would be teaching them again… Jiraiya would be getting him back up to speed, and he would be teaching Konan how to use, oh what did he call it… Sage Chakra? Why did that fill him with inexplicable dread?

* * *

Tobi wasn't sure what gave it away, but somehow he knew he was screwed. It could've been the fact that Konan had somehow punched his mask to smithereens. It could've been the fact that he had tried to invade the Hidden Leaf to recover Madara's Rinnegan with only Kisame, Zetsu, and Sasuke and his band of followers as his backup. It could have been how each of his followers had been systematically taken down. Or it could've been how _pissed_ the infamous Copy Nin had looked when he realized just who 'Tobi' really was.

Choices, choices. Whatever the case, Tobi now knew he had made a Bad Boy boo-boo error somewhere along the line, and now Akatsuki was being eliminated. Just three Tailed Beasts away from reforming the Ten-Tails… but they had still failed.

* * *

 **Author's Note: Not so much centered on the 'Anti-Quirks' character this time, moreso the 'effects' of putting her foot down, but this was fun. I tried making it as different from Sakura shaping up, but it was still kinda similar. Ah well. Hope you guys enjoyed!**

 **Black' Victor Cachat, this was for you! XD**


	10. Naruto

**Prompt Ten: Candy is the Problem and the Solution**

Naruto's love for ramen has been a part of him ever since the blond could remember anything. Ramen was cheap, and never tasted bad like the other icky foods that stores sold to him. Especially the milk. Moreover, the Ichirakus were the first people aside from the Hokage to ever show Naruto any kindness; so their stand wasn't just good for the ramen (thought their ramen _was_ good), it was good for the company, too.

But what if the Ichirakus were a bit slower in welcoming Naruto as a regular? What if someone else got to him first? … What if Naruto became obsessed with a different food?

The world would be forever changed.

* * *

Not too many foreigners became a permanent part of the Hidden Leaf Village. At least, they hadn't in recent decades. People had grown accustomed to one another, and so had unintentionally developed a slight distaste for new people – especially new people setting up shops. Shops that sold delicious things such as candy. And chocolate.

People loved chocolate. But how were you supposed to trust that a foreigner wasn't trying to poison you? What if the 'civilian man' was in fact a shinobi? Civilians tended to have trust issues because of shinobi. Their own shinobi force might mean well, but let it not go without mention that the really good ones were a bunch of raving lunatics.

Hiruzen Sarutobi must have simply disguised his insanity really well. That's all there was to it.

At any rate. New civilian guy. Setting up a candy store. Goes by the name of Wonka – odd name that. Sound doesn't match the spelling, so he must've really come from a distant land. Which only made him that much more suspicious. He was definitely eccentric, and he hadn't poisoned anybody… yet.

But then, hey – a burst of inspiration hit a random civilian man. If the guy was really untrustworthy, why not let his first kill be worthwhile? Kill two shinobi with one kunai and all that. The Demon Brat gets offed, and the untrustworthy foreigner gets hauled off to T&I. Everyone's happy.

Except where it goes horribly… horribly… **horribly** wrong.

* * *

"Hiya, mister! Whatcha sellin'?" Little Naruto-chan asked with wide, innocent eyes as he walked up to the front counter. Wonka was the only one manning the shop, and he'd only had the place open for about a week before Naruto showed up.

"Ah, well… I sell candy. And chocolate." Wonka nodded decisively and laughed lightly at Naruto's confused expression. "Look, tell you what… I'll give you a sample for being the first customer!"

Wonka then leaned over the counter, reached behind Naruto's ear, and pulled out a tiny piece of chocolate, much to Naruto's amazement. How'd he do that?! What else was in his ears?! Still, before Naruto could get too carried away, Wonka offered the chocolate, and Naruto tentatively accepted it.

He only eyed the piece warily for a moment before unwrapping it and sticking the brown thing in his mouth. Wonka blinked in confusion when Naruto's eyes grew comically wide. Did the boy like the candy that much? Maybe he'd have a regular?

But no. Instead of a reaction with any semblance of control, Naruto wildly gesticulated and started running around in circles.

"CHOCOLATE!" The boy then ran out the still-open door, cackling madly, leaving Wonka to wonder if he'd unleashed some kind of hellion on the world.

Eh. It wouldn't be the worst thing he'd done in the many years he'd been in this business. Kids would be kids, and this blond one was kind of cute when he was hyper… Nevertheless, it was kind of weird that the kid was wired after only one **tiny** piece of chocolate. Did the kid have a condition? Meh, he could only hope there would be no consequences after this. All he did was give a sample. A sample!

* * *

Hiruzen shook his head sadly at the sight of the wiggling, biting little bundle of energy that his Anbu just so happened to catch before the Uchiha Police Force did. Had little Naruto-kun consumed something he shouldn't have? Some kind of mushroom, perhaps? Kami help anyone that _caused_ this drastic change in Naruto to happen, because if Hiruzen didn't know any better, he'd say the boy had gone rabid.

"HA! HA! HA! IT MUST BE MINE!" Naruto cackled maniacally as he looked about without any sense of purpose… except for the purpose of looking for more chocolate. Man, that had been good stuff.

"Naruto-kun, _what_ must be yours?" Hiruzen asked tiredly as the Anbu tied the blond to a chair until he calmed down. The fact that they were using professional ninja wire – guaranteed to hold people down or your money back – to do it was merely a precaution. A precaution.

"I… I GOTTA FIND IT, OLD MAN! CHOCOLATE IS GOOOOOOD!" Naruto giggled in an unhinged manner and continued to whip his head around the room, looking for any… _any_ chocolate he could lay his eyes one. Because then… then it would be his! All his!

"Chocolate." Hiruzen flatly replied, getting an enthusiastic nod from the blond child. Well, that explained a lot of things. For the most part, it seemed like little Naruto-kun had simply inherited his father's looks and his mother's personality; but if this little episode showed anything… Naruto-kun inherited a little more from his father than just his looks.

Weaning Minato-kun off of chocolate had not been easy. Danzo had foolishly taken matters into his own hands with the thought that he would gain a fantastic new Root operative out of the deal. After the first day, Danzo had been ready to tear his hair out. The fact that he lost an eye and broke his arm after looking after Minato-kun for a week was only natural. There is a _reason_ that Minato-kun had developed his speed so efficiently.

He wasn't the 'Yellow Flash' for nothing. Having a kid with Kushina-chan was just asking for trouble. The fact they were both gone… really made Hiruzen want to sharpen his kunai. Because Naruto was his headache now.

"Take him back to his apartment and keep him there until he calms down. Which won't be for, ooh… another seven or eight hours, probably." Hiruzen sighed as his Anbu just stared at him. Just stared.

Naruto's childhood would last an eternity at this rate.

* * *

Thankfully, mercifully, Naruto's childhood did, eventually, come to an end. With fewer casualties than initially projected, too. Considering Naruto was Minato-kun and Kushina-chan _combined_ , it could've been much, much worse. Some things changed and somethings didn't as a result of Naruto-kun's… occasional 'episodes'.

Firstly, the Uchiha Clan didn't have to be slaughtered for planning a coup. That's because Fugaku got one look at Naruto on candy, and decided it was really for the best that they just sweep this whole 'coup d'état' fiasco under the rug. The reason for his paranoia, aside from the obvious? All Hiruzen had to do was tell Naruto that the Uchiha were hoarding all of the village's chocolate while he was in that state. That one little white lie… that would be all Hiruzen would need to bring the Uchiha to their knees. On their knees and homeless, because Naruto could be a tenacious sonuvabitch if he thought you were keeping candy from him.

Mikoto thought it was adorable. Fugaku saw Naruto for the hellion that he truly was… and Itachi… Well, it would appear that Naruto made his first step to becoming Hokage, because Itachi had officially pledged eternal loyalty to Naruto-kun for achieving the impossible – keeping the Uchiha alive and preventing all-out war. It was actually kind of creepy, because if you even _looked_ at Naruto-kun funny, you had best sleep with one eye open for a while. Itachi was that zealous about Naruto-kun's wellbeing.

And little Sasuke-kun was none the wiser.

Hiruzen's tiny Danzo Problem was solved in much the same way. Oh, his foxy, deceitful rival _tried_ to get the Uchiha massacred despite negotiations going well, but… well… Hiruzen might have subtly threatened to give Naruto-kun candy and tell the boy that there was a secret storehouse of candy underground (In Root's main base, of course). Danzo had dropped the Uchiha Massacre Idea all together after that little threat. And surprisingly, Hiruzen's teammates were behind him all the way.

… If only so Hiruzen wouldn't sic the boy on _them_.

Regardless of these itty-bitty changes, Naruto had graduated from the Academy, and now Hiruzen was waiting for Naruto-kun's Jonin Instructor at Naruto-kun's apartment. They needed to… _discuss_ some matters. Things like Kakashi's habit of reading porn in public, being late all the time… Hiruzen would no longer tolerate any of it, and it was high time Hatake got his rear in gear. Yes, it was sad that his team got killed one by one, but it was _time to move on_. If Naruto-kun on chocolate wasn't enough to persuade Kakashi to see reason, well, Sarutobi had always wondered what would happen if the boy was let loose in a smaller apartment than his own; Kami knew Kakashi's place was _small_.

And Kakashi's precious porn collection. Oh, Kakashi would be a reasonable fellow after this little meeting… Hiruzen would see to that.

* * *

Kakashi gleefully set the timer for noon as he prepared to test the kids that Sarutobi was trying to make him teach. He wasn't going to bend over just because Naruto happened to have Minato-sensei's candy fixation. No, no, no. These brats wouldn't be any different from his last ones. Fail, fail, fail. That's all Academy students did when faced with his Bell Test.

Naruto couldn't be as bad as the stories going around about him could be. Nope. No way.

A pity that he never imagined that it wasn't Sarutobi he had to worry about, but the Uchiha brat. Itachi's little brother, who was under strict orders to treat Naruto with the proper respect… and when the situation called for it, give him candy.

Because Itachi could _never_ bear to deprive Naruto of his favorite food.

"I have two bells. If you want to become Genin, you'll need to get one before noon, and whoever doesn't get a bell will be sent back to the Academy. Capisce?" Kakashi eyed the three Genin-hopefuls sternly. He would _not_ be teaching a bunch of brats!

But then Sasuke raised his hand, catching Kakashi off-guard.

"Kakashi-sensei, it's okay to use the really, really, _really_ dirty ninja tricks, right?"

Kakashi was wary of the doe eyes Sasuke was giving him, but he didn't really have a reason to refuse. They _were_ supposed to throw everything they had into this, so…

"Yes, even the really, really, really dirty ninja tricks. Come at me with the intent to kill! Now, begin!" Kakashi declared grandiosely, expecting the three Genin to go off and hide, only for him to come and seek.

Only Sakura went off to go hide. Sasuke simply cupped his chin momentarily, then dug into his pockets, and crammed unwrapped pieces of chocolate into Naruto's greedy mouth. Naruto's eyes seemed to do this weird, gleeful, swirly trick, making Kakashi wonder if Naruto had some kind of Dojutsu… But no, they didn't seem to be _doing_ anything…

"See that guy, Naruto? He's hiding the rest of the chocolate _in his pants_." Sasuke said, pointing toward Kakashi.

"… You little bastard." Kakashi deadpanned before running for his life as Naruto gave chase. Oh, he could probably knock the little gremlin out, but this was Minato-sensei's son, and he would feel bad for doing it.

Even if the brat was all sugared up.

Sasuke smirked in approval as Naruto _did_ catch up and start pulling Hatake's pants down, much to the Hatake's dismay. Maybe if he phrased this to the Hokage correctly, they could swap Hatake for his cool older brother. They wouldn't want some _flasher_ teaching them. Kami knew Itachi was far more worthy to be a teacher.

Little did Sasuke know that Kakashi was kinda hoping for the same thing…

* * *

"Zabuza Momochi, Demon of the Hidden Mist." Kakashi drawled like he didn't have a care in the world. "What do you want with our client?"

"I'm under contract to cut the old bastard's head off." Zabuza chuckled darkly. "Let me guess, you're under contract to make sure it stays attached, but he lied his ass off about the mission ranking."

Kakashi shrugged neutrally.

"Eh. He did, but your two little minions kind of tipped us off about the real rank… We continued since Naruto's still manageable." Kakashi then thought, _'But probably not after this…'_

"Who? The twitchy brat? Kid looks harmless."

Kakashi twitched before turning to Sasuke.

"Sasuke, if you would…? There you go. Now, Naruto, the man in the cow-parachute pants standing on the giant sword has some candy he'd like to give you. But he, um… ate it." Kakashi finished off lamely. Fingers crossed that Naruto would do something more than just shake Momochi down.

Zabuza blinked owlishly at Hatake's words. Was… was he for real? All that Uchiha brat did was force-feed the human traffic cone some itty-bitty chocolates. And he expected this brat to do all the work? Meh, his funeral. Well, the brat's funeral first, _then_ Hatake's funeral. Uchiha, Pinky, and the bridge builder last.

Zabuza hopped down from his blade the moment Naruto began to move, but… he wasn't expecting the kid to move so _fast_. And then like a bolt of lightning, no Chakra coating his hand at all, Naruto just… stabbed his hand through Zabuza's stomach and searched for the yummy candy within. When he didn't find his prize, Naruto just kinda… moved up Zabuza's digestive tract with his bare hands, never minding the fact that he was steadily killing Momochi, who was stunned at how unaffected the blond was with this bloody act.

And then Momochi kind of just dropped dead after a bit more searching. He was just so stunned, and Naruto was getting more frantic with every passing second. WHERE WAS THE CANDY?! Kakashi said there was CANDY!

In the next moment, Naruto was a porcupine as hundreds of Ice Needs barraged his body. But still, Naruto seemed unaffected as he searched Zabuza's corpse. There just HAD to be candy here somewhere. Poor Haku never noticed Kakashi coming as he was knocked out. Hey, say what you will, but Kekki Genkai are always welcome in the Hidden Leaf. They weren't as brazen as the Hidden Cloud or anything, but if an enemy had one, Hidden Leaf got dibs. It was as simple as that.

Sasuke and Sakura were just green at the sight of Naruto getting bloodier and bloodier in his desperate search for candy. How the hell was Kakashi-sensei so disaffected? Naruto had violently murdered some guy!

* * *

Chunin Exams rolled around, and Team Seven had a little run-in with Orochimaru in the Forest of Death. Oh, Sakura had _tried_ to get off of Team Seven, tired of Naruto's eccentricities and his disregard for morals or human life when he was in a sugared-up state, but Sarutobi was hearing none of that. It was _tradition_ for the lowest-ranking graduate to be on a team with the very best in the class. Never mind that was a horrible recipe for a team. No! It was tradition! Tradition was sacred!

… And this way, Sarutobi didn't get any pesky complaints from Clans that didn't want the notorious Naruto Uzumaki on their kids' teams. Fugaku had tried to complain, but Mikoto had kept him in line. Sakura's parents complained, but Sarutobi didn't give a rat's ass about upsetting a civilian family. Not while he had to keep Naruto aimed at their enemies and to keep him away from candy in the interim.

Kami knows that boy could get it when he really wanted it.

Regardless of all that, Team Seven was now in the Forest of Death. Fighting Orochimaru of the notorious Akatsuki. Normally this would be ill-advised, but Sasuke had brought chocolate for emergencies like this. Pop a few of those babies into their rabid attack fox… er… _teammate_ , and they were ready to roll.

Orochimaru never knew what hit him. He'd been lunging for _Sasuke_ , and in the next moment, he was on the forest floor being flailed about as Naruto shook him down for candy. Of which he had none, so Orochimaru simply regurgitated himself and got out of Naruto's death grip. He made another lunge for Sasuke. Déjà vu! He was on his back again and struggling to breathe as Naruto tried to make him throw up any candy.

Candy, candy, candy. Was that all this brat thought about?!

While Naruto never managed to kill the snake bastard (Orochimaru just kept regurgitating himself, which was _gross_ ), he did provide enough time for Anko and Itachi to get there, and the two of them together were enough to slaughter the Missing-nin. Anko felt she owed an eternal gratitude to Naruto and Itachi for allowing her the opportunity to kill her former Sensei – Naruto for holding the slippery bastard down long enough, and Itachi for letting her have the killing blow.

Yet while the Hidden Leaf was relatively happy to be rid of a longstanding traitor, there was still some… dissatisfied parties. Kabuto Yakushi because he was now forced to remain in the Hidden Leaf until an opportune moment presented itself that would allow him to escape, and Sasori of the Red Sand, who was forced to report back to the Akatsuki that Orochimaru was dead, and that he would be needing a new partner...

* * *

"Sasori-senpai… Tobi really doesn't like the look in Naruto-boy's eyes." The orange-masked Akatsuki member oh-so-subtly (not) informed his partner.

Indeed, Tobi was sitting on top of Gaara, and Naruto was shooting him a murderous, Nine-Tails-enhanced stare. But Sasori didn't seem to care. He was looking at Granny Chiyo, who he wanted to fight. Everyone else was just extra baggage that Tobi could play with.

"Just don't die, Tobi…" Sasori rasped through his Hiruko puppet, expecting this to be an easy fight. Even if that one brat _had_ caught Orochimaru a few years back.

"DAMN IT! I NEED COMFORT FOOD!" Naruto roared, wanting the sweet morsels to take away his lucidity.

It was better than seeing Gaara's corpse and being held back from doing anything.

"Here, Naruto," Kakashi handed the blond a sleeve of assorted chocolates. Unbeknownst to the young Hatake, the orange-masked Akatsuki member's eyes were bugging out.

"HE HAS SENSEI'S CONDITION, TOO?!" Tobi yelled out in a panicked voice different from before. But then he rubbed the back of his head and appeared sheepish. "… Oops. Tobi said that out loud, didn't he?"

It was Kakashi's turn for his eyes to bug out. Even the one hidden by his hitaite.

"Tobi… To… bi… bito… OBITO?!" Kakashi exclaimed, not believing his eyes, but clearly this man had Obito's style of hair. And his taste in orange. And the one eye thing going on…

"Well fuck." Tobi said, still slightly in that kid-like voice. "You weren't supposed to find out so soon, but since you know, and I'm gonna be coming back with you guys anyway…"

Tobi took off his mask and revealed that he was, indeed, Obito Uchiha. Obito Uchiha frowning and grumbling about the unfairness of life.

"You expect us to just accept you, Akatsuki scum?" Sasuke spat, clearly unimpressed. Whoever he might've been to Kakashi-sensei at some point or another, the man still needed to die _now_ …

Obito ran a hand through his hair and grimaced slightly.

"Tobi… I mean… I have information on all of the Akatsuki members, and I could probably do whatever the hell you want. I have Kamui, which is damn useful just so you know. All I want, is to return home and pretend I never defected…"

"But why?" Sakura asked, clearly lost.

"Because Minato-sensei's son is a terror just as much as his old man, and I really don't want to try extracting the Nine-Tails from a brat that won't stay still for a second while he's on a sugar rush…" Obito shivered apparently from some memory or another, and Kakashi seemed to nod in understanding.

Minato-sensei might've calmed down a lot by the time he took a Genin team, but there was still the occasional episode… But by all accounts, they weren't _as bad_ as Naruto currently was with a little chocolate in his system. When Minato-sensei consumed candy, he was just overly friendly with his 'cute little minions', and tried to get them to come with him on wild adventures.

Those were the only instances outside of Kannabi Bridge that Kakashi and Obito got to bond at all as anything remote as 'friends'. Well, them and Rin, but Rin was long gone by this point. But hey, at least they could bond over the terror that Naruto Uzumaki was. Nothing quite inspires 'friendship' like clinging onto each other for dear life as an insane blond rampages around them until he either gets _more_ candy or until the candy in his system dissipates.

Yes… as weird as it would be to have Obito back, they would need the bonds of friendship. Friendship like escaping to Obito's Kamui Dimension for a while…

* * *

"I think I've figured out why Naruto is so much more hyperactive than Minato was when he's on a sugar rush," Tsunade announced to a room filled with Hiruzen, Danzo, Homura, Koharu, Jiraiya, Kakashi, and Obito. All of them listening with rapt attention.

"What is it?" Danzo asked with a clear plea in his eyes saying _Can he be cured…?_

Tsunade smirked wryly as she gave the watered down explanation.

"It's the Nine-Tails. Yes, Minato's genes kind of give the kid that disposition when he's on the stuff, but it's the Nine-Tails that enhances those genes and makes the boy nigh well uncontrollable. Don't you just love the fact that you have a precious 'weapon'?" Tsunade sneered slightly. She didn't feel sorry for these old goats one bit. Well, Jiraiya maybe, and Kakashi-kun and Obito-kun, but… Kami knows it was for the old geezers that Minato made Naruto a Jinchuriki.

'Power balance between the Great Nations' indeed.

"So… So we rip the fox out of the boy and send it far away. Then we'll be free…?" Homura asked hopefully, to which he received a hollow laugh.

"Oh, _Kami_ no. You know that you can't extract a Tailed Beast without killing the host. And even _if_ you found a way to accomplish that, the Nine-Tails has been a part of Naruto for too long. There'd be enough Nine-Tails' Chakra linked to his genes to fuel his sugar rushes to the end of his days…"

 _'You brought this on yourselves.'_ went unsaid, but it was still there in all their thoughts.

The mood only darkened when a random Chunin (Haku, as it so happens) burst into the room, panting for breath.

"Naruto got hold of a cartload of candy and has broken through the fourth wall!"

"Dear Kami, no…" Hiruzen whispered as they raced out of the Office to pursue the crazy blond to drag him back to their dimension.

Kami knew what havoc he'd wreak in some other reality…

* * *

 **Author's Note: Ehhh… At some point this lost its allure to me. I mean, I really liked the concept initially. Naruto on sugar rush ends badly for everyone. But it turned out to be more or less the same thing for a bit in the middle there… So I let him really have autonomy and break the fourth wall in the end. 'Cause that's always great to poke fun at. XD**

 **Hope you enjoyed it a little.**


	11. Jiraiya

**Prompt Eleven: Ding-Dong, the Pervert's Dead**

A tick mark appeared on Tsunade's head as she held up a fist and gnashed her teeth at her despicably perverted teammate.

"Get it through your thick skull, **Jiraiya**..." Tsunade pulled back her fist, and then… she _really_ let the dirty, dirty pervert have it. " _I HAVE A FIANCE_!"

SMACK!

Jiraiya went flying about a thousand yards and came to a stop in a grove of trees near one of the training grounds. The white-haired man groaned from the mean right hook and rubbed his sore head.

"That's my hime…" Jiraiya chuckled somewhat lecherously, which miserably died off as he sat beneath a tree morosely. "Oh, who'm I kidding? She was never 'my' hime in the first place. First there was Orochimaru – even though they never dated – and for a while now there's been Dan… I really should've learned my lesson ages ago, but it's been so hard. Hime's really grown into a real beauty."

Not really bothered that he was talking to himself – he kinda did that from time to time – Jiraiya smiled sadly and sat there for a little longer before getting up and dusting himself off. He was probably the most resilient pervert that ever lived. … No, not just a pervert… but a **Super** pervert.

Still, Tsunade's latest rejection had him down in the dumps. It wasn't so much that he tried asking her out; he was just perving on her as usual. He just felt somewhat better thinking of Tsunade's actions as 'rejections'… which is really strange when Jiraiya thought about it, but what can ya do?

"Hmm… I guess I'll just… head home." Jiraiya muttered and made his way back to his shabby apartment, seeing as how it was probably time for bed anyway. He _was_ going to hit up the red light district, but Tsunade's little reminder kinda killed the mood.

Maybe he'd leave earlier than he'd planned on and set out on another journey. He was never in the village on a permanent basis anyway, seeing as how he was trying to set up a spy network. Sure, he'd just gotten back the day before, but what was the point of sticking around if all he was gonna do was sit around and mope? His Genin had already become Chunin, Sensei had a village to run, Orochimaru was frequently either out of the village on a mission or cooped up in his lab, and Tsunade…

Well. He wasn't gonna dwell on that. Jiraiya would be the supportive teammate and be there at her wedding, but everything leading up to that and afterward… ehhh. He'd be there from time to time, but sticking around here too long would probably put him in a permanent state of depression. Not because of loss… but because there wasn't really anything to come back _to_. They were in the middle of a war, and everyone had a job to do. Tsunade's little spot of happiness just… rubbed a little more salt in the wound…

Little did Jiraiya know that things would be changing for the better for him…

* * *

Tsunade Senju was frowning in frustration as she paced back and forth in front of a building. She'd been doing this for two hours now, for what had to be the twelfth day in a row. Oh, she'd initially been _overjoyed_ that her dirty, despicably perverted teammate hadn't visited his favorite peeping hole for a while. She even took it as a sign that maybe he'd left on another journey at first. But then she saw him wandering around the village, and that killed her first theory. So Tsunade lied in wait at the hot springs, waiting to see if maybe Jiraiya was just visiting his peeping hole at different times or something, like when she wasn't there.

No dice. She'd even asked around with some of the regulars he's peeped on over the years, and they haven't seen or sensed him at that peeping hole in three whole months. And no one had complained about any lecherous activities going on outside the red light district, so… Tsunade was puzzling out _exactly_ what that lecher was up to.

Tsunade outright laughed at the notion that Jiraiya turned over a new leaf. He'd give up on his perverted activities the day that she gave up on gambling. It was his thing. But no, she hadn't yet caught on to his latest masterplan. Perhaps he was just trying to get everyone to drop their guards. Perhaps he was simply… _writing_. He did mention the possibility of writing a porn novel, even if he technically described it in more 'elegant' terms.

Either way. Tsunade Senju didn't buy Jiraiya the Pervert's innocence for a second. He was up to something. He had to be.

She saw them about an hour later. Walking together. It was like something straight out of the Twilight Zone – the bluenette with long, flowing hair latched around his arm, them sharing some inside joke and laughing together. Tsunade stood there twitching for approximately three minutes.

"So that's his game…" Tsunade growled under her breath and proceeded to stomp over to the pair, intent on getting answers. A few minutes later, she released a shocked exclamation. "WHAAAT?!"

* * *

"Tsunade, you had to be hallucinating." Orochimaru wrote off his blonde teammate's concern without even looking away from the test tubes he was currently handling. "You know as well as I do that we each have our own unique traits. You are the beautiful gambling addict, I am the calm and collected brilliant scientist, and Jiraiya is the perverted man who cannot land a proper date to save his life… and who also happens to be a fledgling spymaster. These are indisputable facts."

Tsunade placed her hands on her hips and scowled at her raven-haired teammate.

"I'm telling you, I know what I saw. I even _approached_ them. She is the plainest civilian you will ever see – although she _does_ have a unique hair color – and she actually seemed to _enjoy_ his company. They were on their way to lunch."

Orochimaru chuckled as Tsunade continued to argue her case.

"That right there makes me question your sanity even more… Jiraiya isn't interested in civilians. They just don't have the racks you kunoichi do, or an overall visually appealing body. Silly Tsunade. Hmhmhm."

Tsunade huffed and pulled out a picture. Orochimaru gave it but a single side glance and snorted. In the next moment, when he registered what he just saw, Orochimaru dropped the test tubes and their contents out of his nerveless fingers.

* * *

"I'm tellin' ya, Sensei, Yumi's the one alright. She's so patient with my eccentricities, and she doesn't even mind that I'll be out of the village so much. I mean, of course she'll miss me, but she's got a hotel to run, so there's never a boring moment, really."

Hiruzen let out a fatherly chuckle as he and Jiraiya sat atop the Hokage Monument, gazing out at the village.

"That's very nice, Jiraiya, but seriously… when are you going to get around to publishing that first Icha Icha book of yours?"

"Oh, I gave up on Project Icha Icha. Yumi says I can do all the perverted stuff I want until we're married, but… eh, it just doesn't feel _right_ , y'know? Once you hook up with somebody, you just get this overwhelming urge to be someone you never dreamed of being. Yumi's such a sweet girl, and I'd hate to make her feel inadequate. She really is beautiful, Sensei, just… not in a busty, shapely kinda way, y'know? Civvies have their charms, too."

Hiruzen frowned and narrowed his eyes at his student. He'd so been looking forward to Project Icha Icha. You just don't hold out on a fellow man like that! Jiraiya had already done so much research!

"Be that as it may, you're traumatizing Orochimaru and making Tsunade suspicious with your new outlook, and I'd really, _really_ like any drafts you drew up prior to your meeting this… Yumi."

Jiraiya snorted at his Sensei's claims.

"What? They're allowed to get laid anytime they want, but I hafta remain a hopeless, loveless shmuck? I don't think so." He crossed his arms and nodded decisively. "And I burned all of my drafts so I wouldn't be tempted back to my Super Pervert ways. You know how it is."

Hiruzen twitched violently.

"WHAAAT?!"

* * *

Orochimaru wandered around the village in a lost manner. He'd done his utmost best to write off what he'd personally witnessed as a hallucination, but a second, third, and twelfth time… It was real. Jiraiya had a _girlfriend_. A plain civvie at that. Clearly she ate well enough, but she didn't exercise like a kunoichi. That's what staring at her body would tell you.

"What does he _see_ in her…? What does _she_ see in _him_ …?" Orochimaru muttered to himself unintelligibly. This simply defied the Natural Order. Certainly, her hair was a unique color – blue – and maybe she wasn't as volatile as Tsunade, but…

Wait… maybe that was it. That might just explain everything! Tsunade was clearly just as lost as he was, and she even seemed to be, dare he say it, _jealous_ that Jiraiya's attention wasn't focused on her. That _had_ to be it. This was all a ploy to get Tsunade to break up with Dan. Pretty low for him, but it's not like Jiraiya was _happy_ three months ago; he seemed more down in the dumps than usual.

Nodding decisively, Orochimaru decided to confront Jiraiya about it and put an end to this charade. He'd nearly lost it there, but now he had it _all worked out_. Jiraiya would not be defying the Natural Order now or ever.

Needless to say, Orochimaru was back to a quivering, inconsolable wreck when Jiraiya flat out told him the relationship was genuine. _It wasn't possible_!

* * *

Tsunade frowned in determination as she steeled herself for the confrontation to come. She didn't like it, but it simply _had_ to be done. From what she had heard and observed, Jiraiya had _genuine_ feelings for this… this… _civilian_! After he had so callously insulted her rack (or lack thereof) when they were kids, too. Seriously. Tsunade _could not accept_ the fact that Jiraiya had changed from an insufferable _pervert_ into some kind of _gentleman_ out of thin air.

From what she had observed from the many dates they shared, Tsunade even felt a little… _envious_ of how _happy_ they seemed to be. She didn't know why; she had Dan, didn't she? Why was she getting so worked up about what she affectionately called a 'troll', anyway? This was _Jiraiya_! Tsunade was engaged to _Dan_. She should be _happy_ to have the little… er… now big troll off her back. Especially since she _barely_ managed to save Dan's life from what seemed like certain death a few weeks ago.

Of course those envious feelings didn't leave, no matter how much she tried to deny them. So Jiraiya could be a gentleman when he wanted to be. Dan was a gentleman _and_ he had bishonen good looks! That should've been a clincher.

And now here she was, about to have a _very serious chat_ with what seemed like the sweetest civilian woman she had laid her eyes on. Tsunade promptly ignored the sense of great distrust that was welling up within her.

"Ah, Tsunade! What can I do for you? Yumi asked with a closed-eyes smile, standing behind the front desk of the hotel she worked at.

"You can start by telling me what _designs_ you have for my teammate," Tsunade not-growled. Nope. She definitely _did not_ growl just now.

"Designs?" Yumi blinked owlishly at the accusation. "I know you shinobi have many talents, but I'm just an hotelier. I don't do clothes designs and stuff. I'm terrible at knitting!"

Tsunade twitched ever so slightly.

"Don't play coy with me… I know you're up to something. You have _plans_ for my formerly perverted teammate."

"N-Not really…" Yumi offered a sheepish smile. "Jiraiya-kun is sweet, but I'm not ready to tie the knot yet. And babies? Forget about it! Not until we're married."

"So, you plan to have _babies_ , hmm? How many?"

"O-Oh… No more than three. Two would be nice." Yumi sighed dreamily, just thinking about Jiraiya and what his potential children would look like.

Tsunade narrowed her eyes further, if that was even possible.

"And I suppose you'll be taking them back to your home country after stabbing Jiraiya in the back? To raise three weapons against the Leaf?"

"Goodness!" Yumi held her hands up in shock, her mouth agape. "I don't know why you don't trust me, Miss Tsunade, but I assure you that I would never do any of that! I was born here and am a loyal citizen!"

"Suuure…" Tsunade didn't sound convinced in the least. She shook her head, and decided to just take her leave. She was causing a scene, and it wasn't like Yumi would reveal her malevolent intentions in public… or even in private, if she was a determined secret kunoichi.

But before she left, she pointed at Yumi with an index finger and then pointed at her eyes, alternating between the two as she backed out of the hotel. She looked paranoid as hell, but Tsunade knew she was right. There was no way Jiraiya would _willingly_ give up being a Super Pervert. No. Way. He had to be seduced and hypnotized, or… or something.

Tsunade was going to figure this out.

* * *

In the end, Tsunade called off the wedding with Dan. It wasn't him, it was just her. Tsunade and her damn overprotective paranoia. But seriously, how could you expect her to trust an adult civvie with _blue hair_? That was a kunoichi color of hair if she ever saw one, and she should know, considering that Jiraiya trained one.

One of her wildest theories was that was Konan under a Transformation, but of course she had no proof.

Yumi and Jiraiya were kind of forced to break up after a while… mostly because Tsunade was present at, like, every date they went on, and that killed the mood. Even if she hid herself relatively well. Moreover, Jiraiya knew of Tsunade's supernatural strength, and he didn't want Yumi hurt when Tsunade would eventually jump to conclusions. You _know_ she was doing that already. Anymore 'deductions' and Tsunade would be playing volleyball with Yumi, with the poor bluenette as a ball…

Jiraiya tried, in vain, to find other civvies like Yumi, but simply none of them could compare to how… _un_ -Tsunade-like Yumi was. And even if he kept up his search, Tsunade would just hop on that poor woman and accuse her of being a spy, too. It was a lose-lose situation if he went that route… so he grudgingly agreed to date his blonde teammate.

He rolled his eyes when she expressed quite firmly that this was for _his_ protection, seeing as how he was susceptible to _spies_ and their feminine wiles. He was a damn spymaster for Kami's sake, and Tsunade was overprotective of him. Still… he couldn't deny how _lucky_ he was to be dating her. Tsunade and her magnificent rack. Pillars of Heaven, they were.

But he still couldn't go back to being a Super Pervert, or Tsunade-hime would turn him into a pretzel. Jiraiya liked using his limbs… they were ever so good for writing and… and being a ninja…

Orochimaru was still in the throes of tearing-out-hair insanity because his teammates were going out. First Jiraiya dated a _civilian_ , and now he was dating what was perhaps the Goddess of Kunoichi in the Leaf Village. Yeah. He'd long since given up the pursuit of learning every single Jutsu in existence; what did it matter when there wasn't _Order_ in the universe?!

So the would've-been-pedophile ended up signing himself into an asylum after Jiraiya and Tsunade dated for about a year with no sign of 'trouble in paradise'. He felt right at home amongst the other crazies.

And finally, Hiruzen was still grumbling about brats who didn't follow through with _promises_ … He was still very livid about not getting Sexy-Sexy times with Jiraiya's book series, you see. Biwako had never been more approving of Hiruzen's brash student and his life choices; Tsunade-chan was doing quite well at keeping him in line…

* * *

 **Author's Note: … Yeah, that happened. After a while I just couldn't deal with the fact I was making a Jiraiya x OC thing, even if it was just for the humor. So he wound up with overprotective!Tsunade. Now** _ **that**_ **was fun. XD**


	12. Kakashi

**Prompt Twelve: Maybe Tardiness and Open-Pervertedness isn't so Bad…**

Kakashi Hatake. Even in his sixties, he was still living the life of a shinobi. Oh, he'd retired from being Hokage long before this point, but that didn't mean he gave up his shinobi livelihood cold turkey. High-ranking missions and Kakashi Hatake went together like bread and butter; he just couldn't stop.

Except now, well… he kinda could. Kakashi was no Third Hokage by any stretch of the imagination, but even he had his limits. He was well into his sixties. Old age was kicking in. High-ranking missions had lost much of their luster… as much as he was loath to admit it. His body simply couldn't take them with as much frequency or as much vigor. There was no way he was going to take on another Genin Squad; he had more than enough teenage drama/angst for one lifetime – being on Team Minato and then leading Team Seven later on kinda had that effect.

So Kakashi Hatake had been set to retire at long last. After roughly sixty years of service to the village, he was somewhat deserving of it.

And then the Ninth Hokage had to pull a fast one on him…

* * *

"Kakashi-senpai, I can understand how you feel, I really do…" Sarada Uchiha innocently remarked with doe eyes. "But I need you to one last itty-bitty mission for me. Then you can have your well-earned retirement."

Kakashi actually eye-smiled at Sarada's sales' pitch. For one, she used the 'senpai' honorific, which is about the most formal he allowed her to be with him. No 'Lord Sixth' or 'Master Kakashi' for him. … Even if the last one was tempting. Two, he could tell Sarada was downplaying the mission. Sarada would never take this tone if he would actually _enjoy_ the mission. Which meant it was something he would really, really hate… but would be ultimately necessary for the betterment of the village.

"Alright, Sarada-chan. But if it's your last attempt at making me take another Genin team, just know I'm gonna fail 'em flat-out." He involuntarily shivered at the Cheshire grin she was now sporting.

"Wonderful! Because it's not that at all! You'll probably think it's much, much worse!" Sarada let a small cackle loose.

And that was when Kakashi knew… his last mission would be Hell.

* * *

Kakashi left the Hokage Tower about half an hour later with a defeated air about him. A proverbial storm cloud was hanging over his head. His final mission, no choice in the matter, was be a substitute Instructor at the Academy for the second semester of that year. And Lady Ninth just _had_ to rub salt in the wound by threatening his precious collection of Master Jiraiya's literature if he pulled any of his usual gimmicks. Y'know, showing up several hours late, flashing his Icha Icha book in front of the class… He could have none of that.

Obviously this left Kakashi feeling very, very hollow and morose. Aside from honoring Obito's legacy, those "gimmicks" as Lady Ninth so callously put them, they were how he stood out. Those were how he stood out. Without them, he was just another average Joe of a shinobi… At least that's how Kakashi looked at it.

No, Lady Ninth said he had to be _professional_ about this. Teach and look _happy_ while doing it. But how was he supposed to be _happy_ without his usual brand of Kakashi-ness? Kakashi basically had a whole week to stew in this horrid situation before he had to substitute for the lucky bastard that skewered his leg on a katana on his last mission. A shame that Kakashi couldn't meet with a similar tragic accident, because Sarada-chan said he had to do it regardless of the state he was in.

Kakashi bemoaned his lot in life for about fifteen minutes before stumbling across something that he could work with. Then he was eye-smiling and gleeful again. Tell him to stop being himself, would they? Well, he'd show them…

* * *

 _\- Eight days later… -_

Sarada Uchiha was bored as she skimmed through the paperwork, cheek leaning into her palm as she flipped a document over. She could see why her predecessor, the Eighth Hokage, was so willing to hand over the title so soon after 'finally' getting it (Konohamaru just _had_ to succeed Naruto). They were still in an unprecedented era of peace. That basically confined Hokage duties to a pencil-pushing desk-monkey job; at least back in Master Naruto and her father's day, there was some action to get away from the Kami-awful paperwork now and again, but Sarada didn't even have that. The closest she got to any 'action' was some merchants and nobles fraying on her last nerves; so even if she did snap, they couldn't fight back and offer her satisfaction.

Sarada wanted something… _anything_ to liven up her day.

"Lady Hokage!" Shizune burst into the room, panting. She was now around the age Tsunade was back when she was Hokage. And she was still. helping. out. Hokages. "It's horrible! The Academy is out of control!"

Despite the circumstances, Sarada brightened right up. She was positively glowing.

"Really?! Is someone trying to go Missing-Nin and holding the kids hostage?!"

"Worse," Shizune shook her head. "The children are all ganging up on Kakashi and trying to kill him."

… And now Sarada had a deadpan expression.

"What." Sarada sighed as she palmed her face. This had _better_ not be about Kakashi's porn, or so help her…

"Come quickly! We need to get the kids back under control!"

"Right, right… What set them off, anyway?"

"… I don't really know, Lady Hokage, I haven't personally been over there yet…"

* * *

Kakashi eye-smiled and rubbed his hands together mischievously. He appeared normal on the first day to fool everyone into thinking that he would be playing along with their little game… That he would be 'normal' of all things. Boy, wouldn't they be surprised after today?

"When the whippoorwill whippers in the wind, the wind can whipper back, 'Oh, nice and chubby baby!'" Kakashi hummed gleefully to himself as he walked up to the Academy. So far so good. People were gawking – not just staring. His uniform seemed to be going over very well, if he did say so himself. Even with his trademark mask still in place, albeit painted over for this glorious occasion. Once inside the Academy and in front of his classroom's door, he took a firm hold of the handle, turned it, and threw the door open and mustered a sugary sweet morning greeting. "Good morning, my children!"

Kakashi had to pause as he entered the room, because a really ominous feeling sent goosebumps up and down his back. He didn't know why, though; he was just here to mess with these brats' minds. Nothing personal. The lesson plan would stay on-track.

Kakashi's confidence was disrupted with a single, panicked word.

"CLOWN!" A boy in the back shrieked.

Now, if this was the extent of the reaction to Kakashi's getup, Kakashi would have gotten his costume off, apologized to the clearly terrified boy, and tried to start class. Alas, it was not just the boy. The whole class stood up – _the_ _whole class_ – and started hurling real metal kunai and shuriken at the silver-haired, nearly retired Jonin. Kakashi dodged them all no problem, but his troubles did not stop there. When the initial barrage failed to do anything, the… delightful… children started throwing random stuff. Stuff that Kakashi continued to dodge, mind you, but it was becoming harder to reason the more they kept this up…

A kid got a lucky shot and hit Kakashi square in the face with a bulky textbook. Kakashi stumbled back and forth a little and held up a pointer finger. He was seeing stars.

"I wish books were soft and mushy…"

Okay, so maybe he was still trying to put on a clown act… just a little. What can he say? It was fun annoying the youth. ... He really, _really_ should've known better, though.

"GET 'IM!" A cute and adorable spritely kunoichi-hopeful roared not-so-adorably. The class of twenty nine eight-year-olds took that as their cue to charge and tackle the silver-haired Jonin.

Kakashi effortlessly dodged the attempted dogpile, and he was even smart enough to back out of the room warily. What he _should_ have done, however, was go home via shunshin and change out of his clown getup. Unfortunately, Kakashi was a bit lost with the extreme negative reaction to his clown prank, and he wasn't thinking too clearly. He didn't recognize that his delightful class of little devils had made a call to action, so to speak, as the adjacent classrooms had heard the first exclamation quite clearly, despite the walls being soundproof. This brought on more yells about 'evil clowns', and furthermore brought the whole damn Academy on him.

Well… minus the teachers, who were just as confused as Kakashi. Not even the great Kakashi Hatake could dodge so many youths with their Flying Tackles of Doom. Eventually he was tackled to the ground, and then dragged outside by an impressive number of students, where he was then tied to a post for practicing kunai throws. It didn't take long for Kakashi to realize they had been smart enough to put Chakra Suppressors on him, so he wouldn't be shunshining out of this problematic situation anytime soon.

And wouldn't you know it. The brats weren't using normal Academy kunai. They looked to be fresh kunai from the real forges for Genin and above. The worst part was the papers attached to those kunai… even without a Sharingan eye, Kakashi could tell those were explosive tags. Or as he heard the children chant, "Splody Paper".

"Would it be too late to say I'm… sorry?" Kakashi pleaded with a high pitched voice. He was tied up good, real good. Damned if those brats didn't know how to tie a knot… "Please no booms…"

"Bye-bye, Mister Clown!" The boy from earlier grinned and was the first to throw his Splody Kunai. Kakashi whimpered as the other children followed suit, and the tags were set to detonate.

This was gonna hurt.

* * *

"Oh, no! We're too late!" Shizune cried as several explosions could be seen and heard from even out in front of the Academy. When she and Sarada managed to get over to the training posts, it was to see basically the whole student body mumbling and muttering amongst themselves, dissatisfied that their "Splody Paper" was defective or something. Because there, tied to one of the posts, was Kakashi Hatake. Black and singed all over, his clown getup torn in places, and his hair had a tiny ember or two in it. His mask was gone, obviously. So it wasn't a surprise to see him coughing out black smoke. "O-Oh… Th-Thank goodness you're okay…"

"I… would beg to differ…" Kakashi wheezed. Despite the damage done to him, the damn _ropes_ were unaffected. Meaning he was still tied securely to the post… The old Hatake looked up at the Ninth Hokage with pleading eyes. "Please let me retire…"

Sarada seemed to mull it over for a few moments before smirking and shaking her head.

"Nope. I want you to teach in that getup every day this semester. That's what you get for setting off a student body with one of the worst cases of Clownophobia not seen in decades."

Kakashi bawled and beat the back of his head against the post repeatedly. He could already imagine what else these brats might try to kill him with…

* * *

 **Author's Note: If you couldn't tell, this was pretty much inspired by the Animaniacs… Kakashi, you poor sod. These are shinobi-hopefuls, of course they're not gonna be intimidated or scared of normal stuff. Now clowns, that's something to be scared of for cute little Academy cadets…**

 **A clown is my friend. A clown is not a giant spider. A clown will not bite me and throw me in the basement. XD**


End file.
